Binding Darkness (Verse II)

With lights so blur when the animals rise,
And all these terms that will face demise,
Lit the world with a red paint; choices so unwise
And a wonderful agreement ain’t concise.

Meet a weary lover, who ain’t got trust;
And wearing clothes that are soaked in dust;
And a solid tremble is an everyday must;
And a machined kingdom that’s covered in rust.

A world without borders is thrown into the trash,
The modified victims ain’t gonna rehash;
Yet one has a pure heart, is worth no gold or cash;
A writer’s heart has to save it from the slash.

And the world has been binding all the darkness and blight,
Making wishes and hope for a sharing of the light;
And the might of the world could not be the one who’s right,
It is you, who salvaged my sight.

I'm Just a Teddy Bear

I'm just a teddy bear
who only wishes for care;
I used to be there,
a sweetheart's arm's my lair;
she brought my self, my soul everywhere,
whose love could only run to nowhere,
who herself could only run to nowhere,
for red was spilled on her everywhere.

I'm just a teddy bear
who only wishes for care
by them who birthed she,
she who brought me everywhere;
I think her heart was way too lonely,
I think that's why she's attached to me,
but I'm sure it was a sad night for me;
I'm sure she knew they weren't happy.

I'm just a teddy bear
who only wishes for care
for my broken leg and arm
on the night they will to harm
right in front of her eyes!
I feel so ashamed of their wretched lies,
that Santa was there for me to rise;
that they always hoped we would bond ties;
alas, their jealousy wasn't too wise.

I'm just a teddy bear
who only wishes for care
by the animals on the street,
when I was dumped so discreet.
My music back then was her fragile heartbeat
no matter the distance, we were never discrete.
So silent that I wish it were a liar's feat;
salvaged by Him, who she finally could meet.

I'm just a teddy bear
who only wishes for care;
I'm glad I was made only by machines,
I think a dog ruptured my spleen.
Not that I felt any sort of pain,
not that I'd like to understand the pain,
but I'm just a teddy bear without a brain,
hopeless in emotions, is this a kind of pain?

I'm just a teddy bear
who only wishes for care.
It's great that I was gifted on a Christmas night
to a girl in darkness, who wishes for the light.
It's fate that I was gifted on a Christmas night
to hungry sinless beasts who only took a bite.
I know that the night marked an event too bright,
the birth of a Lord, who was pictured in white.
Fully human, fully divine, I hope I'm right,
because her mother and father only know slight.

I'm just a teddy bear,

who just no longer cares.

I felt a nip on my very woven head,

I was pulled back, my body up ahead.

If it were a starving man, I were the bread,

if I were a tiny bit man, I would be dead.

I'm just a teddy bear,
that man does not care.
I think if a man were to say goodbye,

he would be seeing The Lord through his eye. 

I'm just a teddy bear,

who only wants her care. 

Given a single wish, I would choose to feel pain;

so at least I could die, washed away by the rain.

She told them Jesus' story, over and over again;

they'd finally given up, they treated her with disdain. 

If Jesus were true, I wish I were slain,

and maybe in the clouds, I'll be cared for again. 

The Last Night

[Intro/Hook]
Don’t stop me,
Don’t stop me,
Let me be till I’m so wasted!

Don’t tell me,
Don’t tell me,
I just need some time alone, and I’ll be fine.

[Verse I]
Hello, do you think that you’re all right?
Hello, did you say I’m not alright?
Well hey! I may drink a lot more than you,
But it’s cos’ I could handle it better than you!

You think you’re the winner, you own this fight?
You think you can turn off these party lights?
Well hey! Let me dance the way I wanted!
Don’t stop the beat, it’s just getting started!

[Post-Verse]
And you said to me that time and place
That you’ll teach me to dance a better pace;
And you made me miss a beat.
And you made me trip a bit.

[Pre-Chorus I]
And you’re telling me that the party is worthless,
Dancing every day; that I’m so useless!
Will that make you smile?
Will that make you smile?

And you’re telling me that my dance is confusing,
Look at your ass, so stiff, never moving!
You’re a hypocrite!
You’re a hypocrite!

[Chorus I]
Although the world may laugh at my own dance,
There will be some who’d love to learn them!
I won’t ever stop!
I won’t ever stop!

[Post-Chorus I]
I won’t let this party end tonight!
I won’t let this night be my last night!
I won’t yield to the world,
The audience are waiting!

I know that someday I’ll be alright!
I just need some drinks to set this right!
I just need a drink,
Some shots of adrenaline!
Don’t fall!

[Hook]
Don’t stop me,
Don’t stop me,
Let me be till I’m so wasted! (Don’t fall!)

Don’t tell me,
Don’t tell me,
I just need some time alone. (Don’t fall!)

[Verse II]
Your eyes, they are bursting in flames of guilt;
Your eyes, they are staring at the towers I built.
And now, you’re getting all jealous of me,
I’ll change the world, and you sit, and you cry!

[Post-Verse II]
And you said to me that time and place (day and night)
That you’ll teach me to dance a better pace; (day and night)
And you made me miss a beat. (You killed me!)
And you made me trip a bit. (You killed me!)

[Pre-Chorus II]
And you’re telling me that the party is worthless,
Dancing every day; that I’m so useless!
Have you lost your mind?
Have you lost your mind?

And you’re telling me that my dance is confusing,
Look at your ass, so stiff, never moving!
I’ll sit back and laugh!
I’ll sit back and laugh!

[Bridge]
Don’t fall! Don’t fall! Don’t fall! Don’t fall!
Don’t fall! (Into the depths of you!)
Don’t fall! (Into what you said is true!)
Don’t fall! (I will rise again!)
Don’t fall! (Show them what I meant!)
Don’t fall! (Na-Na-Na-Na-Na! Hey hey hey!)
Don’t fall! (Sit down and chill yourself out, hey!)
Don’t fall! (Drown myself inside the tune!)
Don’t fall! (One day I will be the tune!)

[Chorus II]
Although the world may laugh at my own dance,
There will be some who’d love to learn them!
I won’t ever stop!
I won’t ever stop!

And though you may think that I’m stupid and crazy,
Learn to dance before you’re getting all lazy!
Nothing will make me stop!
Nothing will make me stop!

[Post-Chorus II]
I won’t let this party end tonight!
I won’t let this night be my last night!
I won’t yield to the world,
The audience are waiting!

I know that someday I’ll be alright! (I won’t cry!)
I just need some drinks to set this right! (I won’t cry!)
I just need a drink, (I won’t cry now!)
Some shots of adrenaline! (I won’t cry now!)

[Hook]
Don’t tell me,
Don’t tell me,
I just need some time alone.

Don’t tell me,
Don’t tell me,
I just need some time alone.

[Outro]
And I’ll be fine!
I’ll be fine!
I won’t stop the party until I feel like I’m out of my mind!

I’ll be fine!
I’ll be fine!
I won’t stop the party, no!
This won’t be my last night!
I’ll show the world that I’m still standing!
Show the world that I’m still dancing!

Let the party last forever!
Let the music blast forever!
Let the party last forever!
Let the music blast forever!
Let the party last forever!
Let the music blast forever!
Let the party last forever!
Let the music blast forever!
Don't fall!

Crimson Heart

[Intro]

There was a time

When you and I were alone,

I sat and I questioned about life,

And I asked you,

"Are you afraid of the light?"

[Verse I]

This is the last time I'll say

Don't give up on life. 

I'll cry to let you stay,

You know me, I never cried. 

Blinded by the day; 

The doorway to the skies. 

Scattering your seeds,

Fertilizing ties. 

[Pre-Chorus I]

So will you be painting the skies,

The oceans of hope in your eyes,

To drown away all the lies we faced inside?

You wished that we won't have to cry,

For your fate is scripted too bright,

And you only prayed for the strength to walk our lives!

[Chorus I]

Let it rot my crimson heart, and I swear,

That I'll be okay tonight. 

For now,

He will guide you, walk you to your paradise!

[Verse II]

Leave your fears behind,

It will be alright.

You will never be alone,

He will be your light. 

A shelter from this world

Of cruelty and frights.

So delve into the skies,

We will be alright. 

[Pre-Chorus II]

The songs that you mumbled that night,

An echo of your choice and rights,

Will remain since you have taken your final flight!

[Chorus II]

Let it rot my crimson heart, and I swear, 

That I'll be okay tonight.

For now,

He will guide you, walk you to your paradise!

Your kingdom's heart is broken,

But we'll heal under His light. 

For now,

Rest assured, for we are walkers of your pride!

[Post-Chorus]

Amen. Amen.

And we will be alright!

Amen. Amen.

Please bless us with your light!

[Bridge]

Look inside my open scars,

You will see nothing but the dark

That will frighten all the parts

Of you.  

Can you fix my broken heart?

They've been mauled, they've fell apart.

Wish that you will say your part, 

Oh well...

Can you see my blackened heart?

All those toxic, twisted parts!

I don't need a crimson heart

To prove that I'm apart!

Can you stay with me all night?

Can you shine, the light?

I wouldn't want to be without you. 

[Chorus III]

Let it rot my crimson heart, and I swear, 

That I'll be alright tonight.

For now,

He will guide you, walk you to your paradise!

Purify my blackened heart, and I swear

That I'll be your living pride.

For now,

Spread your angelic wings, guardian of the skies!

[Post-Chorus]

Amen. Amen.

The guardian of the skies!

Amen. Amen.

An angel of His light!

[Outro]

And it's time for you to shine!

Heal this blackened heart of mine!

With Him always by your side,

Don't feel lonely, just confide!

If you feel unsatisfied,

Don't worry, we will soon be fine!

For you are always with us. 

The Battle

[Verse 1]
And now we see the world
parted by the skies;
and all the heads we hurled
started singing lies.
And will we be gone
when the great war is long gone?
Or will we drown inside the seas
of everybody's pleas?

[Pre-Chorus]
And I'll lead us, all of us
to a glorious victory.
And we'll accept the madness
that leads to dignity.
We'll be leading the fight,
we'll be shining the light
right into the flames (in your eyes)!
right into the flames (in your lies)!

[Chorus]
You're fighting me,
oh baby, you're so sweet.
And will we cast our swords?
They're broken
from our wretched hearts! (so frozen)

You're guiding me,
oh how can you be so sweet?
Is this the path we'll take?
They're broken
into many roads! (they're frozen)

[Verse 2]
We're fighting against pride (in the battle)
during stormy tides. (for the battle)
And we refused to yield, (to the battle)
and run away from the fields. (of the battle)
And will we go back home
when we destroyed their homes?
Or will we torture, steal and kill
all the innocent's wills?

[Pre-Chorus]
And I'll lead us, all of us,
to a heinous victory. (so sweet!)
And we'll accept the sadness
that spreads so vividly. (so sweet!)
We'll be leading the fight,
we'll be dying inside,
as we suffocate (deep inside)!
as we suffocate (no more lies)!

[Chorus]
You're fighting me,
oh baby you're so sweet.
And will we cast our swords?
They're broken
from our wretched hearts! (so frozen)

You're guiding me,
oh teach me to be that sweet.
Is this the path we'll take?
They're broken
into many roads! (they're frozen)

[Refrain]
Surely there's a way to end the battle!
But we are here to stay, and fight the battle!
No more chitchats, let us start the battle!
No more regrets, we'll die inside the battle!

[Bridge]
All of us are nothing but the criminals
who fought for their greed,
who fought for their needs.
And now it all melts, it melts away;
I've been dreaming all these days,
for this day to stay,
the battle that liberates me!
The battle that liberates me!

And this will be the end to all ends.
This will leave no holed ends.
When will this battle end?
When will our time end?

And this will be the end to all ends.
This will leave a whole end.
When will this battle end?
When will our time end?

[Chorus II]
You're fighting me, (the battle)
oh baby you're so sweet. (is everything)
And will we cast our swords?
They're broken
from our wretched hearts! (so frozen)

You're defiling me, (the battle)
oh dear, why are you so sweet? (is everything)
When will we stop the war?
They're breaking
our people's lives! (they're freezing)

[Outro]
We will raise our swords and now we fight the battle!
We will represent the warriors in the battle!
We will fight as one, as whole, and win the battle!
We will cross our swords, until we've won the battle!
We will scream and cry, but all is for the battle!
We will bleed and die, but all is for the battle!
We will sacrifice our lives to win the battle!
We'll reveal your lies, we fight an honest battle!

Trance II

Sometimes I live through such wrong ways

And such foreign ways

That I will live my life in their ways

Emptiness in time

It is a life that I will agree upon

And now my time is up

I appreciate all appreciation 

Of a worldly forgiveness

A world that I feel so dead in

I sacrificed so much for me

That I can never be satisfied

I am willing to be on a long way

That I am like a dragon on holiday

I feel as if I am no longer myself

That I will never change for themselves

A world inside my heart

A world inside my mind

A poem and a story of my life

Are written in lies. 

I am willing to be gone

For I among all people

Propelled myself forward with such intricate words

A complex mindset

I am not amused

For I am confused about life and fame

For life is worthless

Why do we live

Who do we live for

For a dance that will make us faint

And we will soon be dead.

Sure, I said so

For worldly hope has nothing to do with fame

The fame and fortune are fighting

For my pleasure

And tears are broken and frozen

They are fortunes of me

This trance will never end

So this prose will never end. 

This is my world and my fortune

For this will be the last of fame

Laughter and smiles are falsified

And I think I am destined

For such unfortunate ways

And a poem I will write

For all ladies and gentlemen. 

I'm comparing the ratio

Of 'am I here' to 'I am here'

So am I happy

For 'am I here'
Or am I happy

For 'I am here'

I am asking myself

Am I here
Because I want to be here?

In the midst of confusion
I paved way for delusion.

I wretched everyone and I wretched myself.

Tyrant Eliza.

Wattpad Link

What is real, and what is not? Who is Eliza? Eliza is my lover, but it isn't nearly as simple as that. There's some confusion going on.

Genre: Mystery, Horror, Fantasy
Rating: R-18 for intense violence, blood and gore, sexual themes, strong language

Trance

Burrow into a hole of once upon a time
let me be darkness and light
the light falls
the light falls so quickly that I felt no pain
as the rain washed it all away
for someday
like a lullaby
to obtain worldly freedom
for I wasn't given a chance
for they would be such lonely rationalities
and it was for such inspiring melodies
and hate and betrayal.

My life is all a lie.

My soul could not withstand such irritating attempts
to dissolve conflicts
for worldly issues are over with slaving attempts
to digest criticisms.
I will not and will never be given
a chance to live anymore
a change for me to change
for I am such a hollow spirit,
deep beneath.

Intricate decisions
instigate wars and hatred and betrayals
for time in itself is unworthy
of such a depressing time
it is a time of depression
for all of us
for we could never betray us
for we could never betray them
...
it is I who want to revoke
the feeling of remorse
...
...
for they all will understand
that this world is nothing
but a mere misunderstanding
...
but then I don't get it
why me
why of all people, me
...
because I disregard human attempts
and lead to disgrace
and I wield disgusting power
and I surrender to society's chances
and I will soon vanquish
for no one can control me
for no one can lead me
into a disordering fantasy.

Transition Through Time (Verse II): Observation

I am a silent observer of life and death.

Life is but a long tunnel,
never ending and never relenting
to us walkers of a reversing road,
to us bearers of a deterring load;
lone, lone walkers.

The mysteries of life and death,
boundaries of justice and injustice,
are but mere terms mentioned by walkers:
those who couldn't keep up with life,
as life is a poisonous road;
those who tried to break the walls,
which are shielded by the disgrace of runners.

Runners who are different and outpaced us.
Runners who are universally respected and loathed.
Runners who are not one, not several, but countless
hibernating fragments of our minds;
we can never perceive fear,
for fear is an illusion of a slow walker.

Life and death were brothers,
tranquilly resting in the midst of dancing grass.
But the poor walkers trampled the grass,
chasing after the poorer runners,
breaking life and death apart.

Running from reality
while being chased by a walker of truth;
this is a challenge that none could handle,
for we can never confine death,
as death is the only rule of life.

In the most optimistic sense,
I look forward to a time
when walkers may overcome life's riddle;
a meaningless riddle;
the perfect riddle.

Suicide

(This entire prose is a metaphor, it does not mean to represent an actual intention of suicide.)

This is me, who fathomed life as pitifully beautiful.
I have brought upon myself, a life of two bends.
I will have thought about the consequences;
of a darkened shallow life,
as life itself is rather interesting;
I understand that.
A life of meaningless decisions and hopeless interventions;
a life of shivering whispers and moping transitions;
there are only two.
I repent;
I only have one life.

As a core of me weakened when I died,
not fully destroyed but merely weakened, as I said;
for you will never believe life after death,
not in a different body, but the same physicality.
Not that I could never convince myself,
but that part of myself served us lies,
for death itself could never comprehend itself;
it could have wished for death upon itself.

For my conscience killed me until I died;
again, you will never believe my words.
I will repeat,
conscience killed me until I died.
This is similar to a parasite,
killing me repeatedly, even after I'm dead,
until I lose every ounce of will to live,
and that's when I truly died.

Life and death is like a game;
I always win,
and my reward will always be death.
Repetitive.

Transition Through Time (Verse I)

Life is a riddle;
a riddle that spawned puzzled stairways;
stairs leading into a tunnel of time;
a time which never begun;
a time which never ends.

I sat and observed life;
a dead clock ticked past twelve,
past thirteen and fifteen,
seventeen and nineteen,
and twenty-four,
skipping all in-between,
in accordance to human lore.

Walking past an empty hallway
of sacrifices in a darkened morning.
I'd left myself standing by the doorway;
if this tunnel will ever stop mourning,
when will it ever stop crying?
An empty space shedding tears
is to all of us,
a useful machine with broken gears.
And now the hallway is filled with gears,
which are all rusted and busted;
which were originally tools of fears;
which will be swept and dusted
by a cheerful sweeper
and a dying gatekeeper.

The walls of time soon cracked;
they crumbled into pieces
and they stacked
to form only vague pieces.
An everlasting riddle of time;
is the only riddle
which is worth a fraction of my time.

Lives in Transition

I see,
it has been a very long while, hasn't it?
Long time no see,
with such words uttered every minute after it.
I miss you so,
for your charming soul raised me from low.
I kiss you so
that your mindful soul will forever avoid sorrow.
I wish you so
that your soulful mind would no longer be hollow.
Ravishing glow
that will last until the end of time's flow.

Walking hand in hand
through all of our fears in a very bad land;
we found refuge
in one another while standing in a deluge.
Anchored to the ground,
no winds or seas nor the bad land's sound
shall spin us around,
as we already had one another found.

I see
the word 'forever' carved into our smiles, isn't it?

Kill

Will you perceive yourself as a sordid thing?
A sordid thing who lives with such a daring routine;
dared to follow the routine like a floating bling;
bling bling and all those little showy machines.
Machinery and mascots are the same to you,
for you are unworthy of a light onto you;
for you who stole the minds and bodies of others,
otherwise known as a man who disgraced mothers.
Motherly love was absent, this is what you said;
your sayings are mere lies about human greed,
greediness killed your soul and ruined our lives;
our lives may not be important because it is never you.
You claimed unrivaled importance in your dreams and hopes,
hoping that we would throw our lives away for your goals;
your goals are but our moans, so leave us alone, will you?

Will you see and understand me as a sordid thing?
A sordid thing, trying to catch up with such a daring routine,
dared to console our soul who lost its own bling;
bling bling has flown away into the cores of machines.
Machinery went berserk and revealed itself to be you,
for you are trampled by society's hatred onto you;
for you who misunderstood compassion towards others,
otherwise known as protection of the children of mothers.
Motherly tears were shed, 'nothing' was what you said;
your sayings confused our sanity, faith and greed;
greediness has turned you away from our lives;
our lives were beautiful but were traumatized because of you.
You undermined our efforts to achieve our dreams and hopes,
hoping that one day, our lives will be your realistic goals;
your goals are but harmful to us, so stay away, will you?

Will you comprehend that this cycle will never end,
or are you blinded from the world by the greed of yourself?
I will explain to you why this cycle will never end,
because people kill people to kill themselves.

The Crawl

Staggering less inside,
shattering bests in hide,
gathering the rest
and rummaging through tests
from someone who never lied;
from someone who always tried.

Resisting control over a beast
who never cried "Beast!";
who never tried to feast;
as weak as yeast;
as strong as yeast.
Feared it like a life-changer,
geared up like a rife ranger.

Now I am out of order.
I am a wasted disorder.

Cleansed myself with stained water,
rinsed my soul with feigned blood
inside a long river.
I will drown inside the river,
as I frowned for life,
while a snake slithered.

The snake was me.

Mind in circles,
mind the circles;
mine are whirls,
around and around.

My nightmare;
shamed by society;
chided by communities;
burned by ironies.

Believing in the impossible;
it was all a lie.
There is no longer a reason
to continue this treason
or to create another lie.

-End.

Indecipherable III--A Short Time.

In such a short time, bizarrely unnerving failures resonated with my soul, and such agony is portrayed so violently.

Such a short time is needed, for the world to crumble into pieces; for this serenade to fear my soul; for this logical fallacy to transform into reality.

In this false world of overwhelming truths, such irritating amount of handshakes and agreements are needed in a short time; so irritating, it hurts my eyes.

Silence.

It's with such irony; such a metaphor that is life; it foreshadows pain, sorrow, more sorry feelings and hollow feelings in such a short time.

Relationships in life are conceptualized by humanity in such a short time, and the very humanity of humans are dehumanized, which led to a dead end; the beginning of the deadest end.

All forms of power are stupefied in the most stupidly insipid manner for a short time; let their fortresses shatter into shards of liquid glass.

Falling from the crimson skies into the bones of the devil; the task is to be tasked with countless tasks in such a short time, from a loyal retainer, a friendly beast and a dying scapegoat.

Denying one's own acceptance of fear, of hatred and everything in between--nullified for a short time; for revenge is meaningless without avoiding our victims.

Death can only remain as bones of a dead Death, no living Death shall be born dead and fall dead, as a dead Death can only remain as bones of Death for a short time.

Rationalizing the creature's self-isolation of a projection--insects and monsters not of the same kind, but of the repressed kind; in a short time, it is converted into simple denial.

Shadows of time has passed so quickly, as such a short time is needed, for time to pass so quickly for the shadows; for the deadest Death dying in Death's hands; for the life of all to be secure.

Do not fear, for life will be healed in such a short time.

Do not weep, for tears only last for such a short time.

Do not condemn, for words are spoken in such a short time.

Do not deny, for the truth will be exposed in such a short time.

Stoned

So much irony in life;

When agony is rife. 

When is agony rife?

For desperation's life,

For the people's knives,

And their baby wives,

And their babies' lives,

And all their forgotten lives. 

Without knowing our flaws, 

They outed us outlaws

And clawed our in-laws.

And all their detrimental laws,

And all their hypocritical laws. 

So no intricate foreign styles,

For driving two foreign miles. 

And was stoned to death so vile. 

Step on death, a cheerful tile. 

Transitions IV: The Longest Song

I've stayed away from Facebook these days. I don't feel like socializing much online, save chatting about projects, helping people out, and my girl. In real life, I'm pretty much crazy. Last week, I was more hyper than usual. It's like I've exhausted all my socializing needs (is there even such a term) in college.

Yeah, part of it is due to projects (I'm still left with two more ISUs + finals starting next Friday), but not entirely. It's weird. Am I facing a depressive episode? I'm not sure, maybe not. Maybe it is in fact the mountain of projects and the upcoming finals which made me like this. I'm confident it'll go away after June 13th.

I hope.

I tend to spend a lot longer on projects than most people, simply because I personally feel that part of an excellent project is to make it unique. I don't have physical creativity--ask me to draw, paint, cut and paste, whatever, I'll make shit out of it. I ain't good at that.

It's 10pm, and I'm in a whole different mood compared to the rest of the day; here I am listening to emotional songs when absolutely NOTHING sad happened during the past few months.

And here I am writing about my bipolar disorder when I should've been working on my college projects.

Life interests me. The last post (A Journey Through Humanity) was written as a "base" for my mathematics project. Life is simple; but why can't I just accept that?

I'm really hypocritical at times--no, all the time.

I still haven't fully understand how my mind works; it tends to perceive anything that happened in the past as dreams. Dreams? Yeah, and it only happens when I'm in a depressive state. It's like, every single event that occurred more than three months ago are nothing but fantasy; all my friends were imaginary...? It's weird, truly weird.

I feel estranged from this world; and myself. I don't feel like me, rather, this is my other side--Shadow Vegas.

I have trouble breathing; this is horrifyingly interesting. It's like, I'm writing this blogpost while in a dream state; I'm never truly alive during these moments.

This is not the first time.

But this is not a natural depressive episode. I'm listening to Last Farewell by Big Bang.

This is why I've refrained from listening to Last Farewell and Haru Haru. No, it's not due to the fact that both are astonishingly well-written songs.

Because I've been (unknowingly) listening to them almost every time I (again, unknowingly) lapsed into depressive episodes in the past.

I couldn't breathe properly; I need to force myself to inhale; exhalation comes naturally. My fingers type automatically, without much control from my conscious mind.

I need to stop listening to this song, as I'm feeling even worse than before.

But I couldn't; part of my mind wants me to keep listening to it.

I feel thirsty, I feel sweaty, yet I'm not bothered to stand up and do something about it.

The song's ending.

Good.

Almost there.

Done.

Now I need some time to recover from this episode.

A Journey Through Humanity

Sometimes, it’s the smallest things that defines our world.
Cash and dignity is temporary, fortune is limited.
I ponder; what is pride?
Why do people boast about their riches and brag about their “superior” rights?
Humans shouldn’t be classified this way.
Life is simple.
Live to die.
Ash to ashes, dust to dust.
Simplicity is integral, eventual, yet… detrimental?
There is neither simple complication nor complex ease.
I find humanity intriguing, they often dream big.
Conquer the world, venture into the unknown.
It screams complicacy!
How could they accomplish that,
If they haven’t explored the remarkable beauty of simplicity?
Humans are… interesting.
I shall not regard myself as human,
For I have yet to understand the simplest,
Most splendid of the unknown—
Life.


In this road of simplicity
This simple, yet twisted path
To a deeper, more convoluted unknown
An everlasting journey…
Time will tell if we will make it
Take pleasure in our lives
No matter how uninteresting
No matter how unworthy
No matter how disturbing
Because we are a broken people
Forever a broken people
Who can’t afford to luxuriate in the littlest
The ugliest, the spoilt
Yet the most essential…
Understand that humanity will prevail
And resonate in serenity…
Fear of humans, fear of curiosity,
Shall end this journey through humanity.

Transitions III: Reflections

Do I know myself?

Well, yeah, I have bipolar disorder. It couldn't be more obvious than this.

Last week was pretty much a hyper week for me; I slept six hours (or less) daily and still manage to last through the day without naps. In fact, I get more manic as the day passes. I had mild insomnia almost every night.

Today's a busy day. I've rushed two projects. Just a few minutes ago, my depressive episode kicked in. I didn't feel a single bit accomplished--I feel useless now. I feel pessimistic. I suddenly fear about issues that were too trivial, too pathetic.

My depressive episodes are not naturally induced, they are caused; by what? I don't know.

But I'm getting closer to the answer. It's a recurring pattern actually. 

I'm both a socialist and a loner.

There will be times when I hate being alone. I'll get emo for being alone. I want to socialize. I want to be surrounded by friends. I want to jump and joke around, scream, and just be who I am.

Who am I?

I used to call my dark side (I'll refer it to depressive episode from now on) a "separate" being. Shadow Vegas. He is my dark side. But calling it "dark" is an understatement; an insult; a disgrace.

I have two reflections--my manic episode (the hyper me) and my depressive episode (Shadow Vegas). Both of them are me. I am not me without any one of them.

Shadow Vegas is unique. It's the side of me that is intrigued about this world. It's my creative side.

Shadow Vegas is forever a loner but never lonely. When I'm too lazy to socialize, I'll usually hide in a corner. Shadow Vegas is lazy. I like being alone and I like socializing.

Shadow Vegas is also sad. I can be extremely ecstatic a minute ago, and a minute later I might be so doleful that I may be on the verge of crying.

Shadow Vegas is pessimistic yet optimistic.

I'm confident that I have many loyal friends. I rejoice. I'm also confident that my friends hate me. I weep.

I'm comfortable around friends. I rejoice. I'm uncomfortable around friends, but I'm comfortable alone. I rejoice.

I can be satisfied about being myself, yet two seconds later I might loathe and curse myself to hell.

Whenever I think about high school, I feel as if it's just a long, extended dream; as if it never occurred in reality. I lament about how childish I was in high school, yet sometimes seek to relive that moment just for the sake of it. Sake of what?

I don't know.

But I'm getting closer to understanding my reflections.

My reflections are slowly becoming one, but it can never do so; because I don't want it to merge. I like having two sides.

It makes life more interesting, and unique.

My life might seem ordinary from the outside, but I live in two worlds. I like it. Very much.

Transitions II: Shadow Vegas and Me

Transitions I

My mind is weird, unnatural yet sometimes overly creative. Whenever a wrong combination of events occur--not necessarily positive or negative, my mind will automatically lapse into what I call a "transition" state; my mindset borders between the real world and my own extremely vivid subconscious.

My emotions become uncontrollable, as my mood fluctuates too rapidly between a dreamlike state of being "happy" and just sad. I don't know why; as I've said, my mind works in weird, mysterious ways. Sometimes I think too much, or place too much importance on trivial issues.

I still haven't found the cause for this as of today, or even the name of this extremely intriguing case. It may be bipolar disorder, but I'm unsure.

This started since year 2011. I just realized that most of my poems were composed during this state.

After CPU's drama festival (it was a Tuesday night, right before Labour Day), I stayed back in college while waiting for my parents. Her parents came and fetch her before mine did, so I loitered around the college compound. I repeat, it was nighttime.

Most of my transitions happen at nighttime.

When I noticed myself talking long, slow walks in the darkest areas of college, instead of sitting at one spot and playing games on my iPad (like I usually do), I know for sure that I'm not myself.

I decided to simply allow my subconscious to rule over me, it wasn't too bad; I went to the toilet to answer nature's call, strolled in and out of the learning hub, etc. It's just that I started to ponder about everything, issues that I normally wouldn't give two shits about. But I noted something--I really liked the dark.

This is a stark contrast to my usual self, who (I confess) is afraid of darkness. I wouldn't dare to enter the kitchen in the middle of the night without turning on the lights, or stick around in the living room more than five seconds after I've turned off the lights. I'm afraid of weird sounds; I get paranoid of them. All of them.

Yet during that night--oh such a perplexing night it was; I constantly hid myself in darkness--the darker the better. While walking on the pavement, my eyes were fixated on the shadows on ground, as if I've found comfort in them, as if I loved them. I felt safe in darkness, in areas of solitude.

I've came up with the name "Shadow Vegas" while brainstorming about my (unfinished) story "Reincarnation". It was right after I've experienced a transition in Japan. Somehow, the story didn't work out, and I've written this same character in a story about schizophrenia. I've never thought much about it.

But these days, I've been wondering about something; the various ways I've described Shadow Vegas in my stories... It made sense, as it applies to me during my transitions. I might be actually schizophrenic in some ways, or maybe not? I'm not too sure.

I know one thing, however; Shadow Vegas is not just a fictional character that I've created, it's a representation of my own dark side, a personification of my mind's most obscure thoughts.

Dream Journal 4/5/13 -- Guilt in Haven.

--- The true identity of this "friend" is not important to the contents of the dream, thus I referred to her as a "friend" instead. ---

I saw it. No, her; in the middle of a darkened 80s living room, with candles as light sources and wooden walls and furniture. Oh, there was a fireplace. She was just a friend, and she was a lot shorter than me. But she was wild, hostile. Her eyes were narrow and small, like two slits from a knife wound; a huge contrast to reality where her eyes are wide, big and just plain innocent. Her mouth when opened wide, revealed devil teeth; sharp and pointy. She seemed to hate me, as she lunged at me with the force of a beast. I was scared, but I managed to control her.

I felt as if I've treated her real badly.

She seemed too sad, yet too evil.

She wanted to find me--Alvin.

I lied to her and told her that I'm not Alvin, and I hoped that she would believe me. If there is a skill that I'm proud of, it's my ability to control the outcome of dreams. She believed me. Thus we begin our search for Alvin, who is me and wasn't me.

We searched my house. It was a condominium unit, with a connected living and dining room, a door to the kitchen at the back and a hallway to the three bedrooms in the front. We entered the master bedroom. We saw Jillian Michaels (the trainer from The Biggest Loser US) standing, or running on a treadmill? I'm unsure. She motivated us to run. Run to where? Do we need to even run? My house is a small one, there's no need to run.

I felt even more guilty.

Next, we entered my own bedroom. It was night, so it was obviously dark; we didn't bother to turn on the lights. On the floor, we located my pair of black shoes, and inside contains a Pikachu doll. It had its legs broken, and somehow only my friend could fix it.

She didn't fix it.

She, for some reason, decided to attach human doll legs onto it. She attached the legs of a female doll onto it, and the legs of a male doll next to the former. Both the legs were thin, very un-doll-like, and seemingly malnourished, for a doll. Only the female doll's legs fit, and she threw the male doll's legs away.

We found a wig in my drawer; a pink wig to be exact. The wig was chopped up into several pink cubes. I noted the square-like shape. I find it very irritating.

My friend wore the wig, and it is revealed that she is Jessie from Pokemon's Team Rocket.

I felt very relieved, as she was not my friend, but an anime character. I don't know why.

Somehow, a guy appeared beside her. We found another wig, a blue one. It was cut up into several pyramids.

Oh, so the guy was James from Pokemon's Team Rocket.

Suddenly, a mysterious guy banged my room's door(s). I don't know when did that happen, but my room then had two doors; one of it is the usual one (a wooden door), one more is a wooden door with a highly transparent glass pane on the upper half.

He wanted to barge in. He was filled with hatred.

And we know one thing--we had to hide my friend, who is actually Jessie.

I blocked the door, while shouting at him lame excuses (such as "the guests are sleeping" or "the guests are naked").

After we hid her under a blanket, we let the man charge in. I saw an elderly businessman appear right before my bed.

In real life, I felt nature's call.

But, something in my mind felt unsatisfied about that dream; it didn't have a proper end. I was in half-conscious mode; my eyes half-open but my mind was still in dream state. It's time to end the dream.

I immediately deduce that the mysterious guy is Brock from Pokemon, and everyone clapped. I woke up, and immediately wrote this into my iPhone Notes app.

This is not just a dream, this is a message from my subconscious; a message about what? I have yet to know.

The Wanderer's Poem

O 'tis just me;
who was I, such iridescent being?
Without a path to shine I'm seeing?
But why was I, what ye be agreeing?
Agree to none of my supreme being.

A mature child.
A widow of the wild.
O wilderness of the child,
why hast thou smiled?
Thou understandest none compiled.
Thou forever stood lonely child.
Thou without future piled;
yet 'twas the child of maturity
who simply smiled.

O brilliant heart, filled thy awe.
so ostentatious.
Flaw!
Fie upon deliriousness!
None will know but the Almigthy,
who destined us our destiny;
O Lord my savior, O Thy grace
who destined us path without disgrace.
Words as if buzz of the bees,
yet when O Lord hath spoke to thee,
love and be loved, I prithee.

Bending or bent road of thine,
O, she went without peace for mine;
but 'twas a former friend of mine.
Thy aptitude, sky high as thyself;
slave, slave, slave!
Thy slave of oneself.
Ah, thou shan't be brave,
until thy flower wilts in grave.

Love Me for My Shadows.

I'm amazed at how much I've changed during college; or is it how much college changed me?

I'm also amazed at how much my entire life changed after one midterm break.

No words can ever describe my unfaltering love towards CPU. I repeated that in my previous blogposts, and I just had to do it again. Maybe it's the people, or the lecturers, or the environment, I'm not too sure.

It's right in this very place that most of my high school friends deem dreadful, unworthy, monotonous, boring and stressful; yes, it's this sudden shift in lifestyle that I've fell in love with.

Love?

I didn't expect it. I didn't bother much about it. In fact, my past experience robbed me of all my confidence and self-esteem.

It happened so suddenly, so quickly that it's actually amusing.

We didn't get to know each other face-to-face; it was through our one common friend.

Oh life, why did you accelerate at the most unexpected of all times? It was too fast. I didn't know what to do. I never wanted to start again. I rephrase that, I never wanted to love in college. Why do I have to sacrifice so much; again I rephrase, why did I sacrifice so much for a false sense of love in the past?

Love is annoying. Love is troublesome. That was what I thought, not what I currently think.


I made it clear to myself that I simply wanted to go along the flow; God proved that to me in the past. He led me into a case of unrequited, unreciprocated love, all for the sake of maturing me. I fully comprehend that now. I dared question His actions back then solely because I didn't understand Him. God's path is always the right path.

It just happened naturally. We got close; me and her I mean. No, not the "her" that I've mentioned three thousand times in my previous posts, but a new "her".

She who proved to me that one could still live life to the fullest after falling in love.

It was on the 29th of March, 2013.

No masks needed; they're just childish little tools used to satisfy the greediest of all people. They're stupid. How did I survive my past with an ostentatiously thick mask on, I will never know.

It's a staggering contrast to my past.

I can love her openly, freely, without being turned down by occasional "uhh"s or "sorry"s.

God is great.

And you, yes you, my sleepyhead little princess; you're great too. Thanks for coming into my life and loving me for who I am, for who I will be, for who I was. Thanks for giving me this chance. Thanks for actually letting me love you.

My best friend, sister, lover, girlfriend. Yes, you know who you are :)

Cancer.

No, I'm not emotional right now, but this song is just perfection.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byVA-YfNxds

- My Chemical Romance.

Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie;
help her gather all my things
and bury me in all my favorite colors,
my sisters and my brothers; still,
I will not kiss you;
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.

Now turn away,
'cause I'm awful just to see;
'cause all my hairs abandoned all my body.
Oh, my agony,
know that I will never marry.
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo,
but counting down the days to go,
it just ain't living,
and I just hope you know

That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye today (goodbye today)
I'd ask you to be true (cause I'd ask you to be true)

'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.

The Best Poem

I am happy.
I am not sad.
Apple.
Chicken and dogs.

-End.

Masquerade - The Last Chorus

A thousand fallacies

attached onto their faces

which are now ours,

and became their disgraces.

A thousand ironies,

attached to a thousand agonies;

and our inner selves

became part of themselves.

Only after a thousand identities,

witnessing a thousand identities,

will we put on a display.

No more fakes or lies,

and a thousand cries;

thus ending the play;

thus scattering the masquerade.

Masquerade

Fervent servants serve as pallbearers
at the parade;
servants of mine, bear with me;
I have a greedy facade.
A lonely parade,
with none but creeps for decades.
A phony parade,
marchers are weeping to be made.
It was a graveyard,
a desperate attempt to shine hard;
all failed to be heard
by the ears of the dying shepherd,
who was also a servant of mine.
All his sheep are dead,
and yet he sleeps without dread;
because a book of me, he read,
and no tears were shed.
All fears are fear of me;
yet I fear everyone,
because right in front of me,
I see a broken gun.

An empty queue;
I see no queue.
It was a corrupted form
of my memories.
It was a repressed form
of my enemies.
A darkness that I can see through,
I can't see through;
now it's just me and a few
of my servants anew.

Hiding in my own burning, dried out land;
and being incinerated myself,
by my servant's own hand;
it set fire onto itself,
because it doesn't know myself.
Because it didn't know itself.
Because it never knew oneself.
Because it hid its own self.
I'm repeating myself,
because I can never repeat myself
in front of all my servants' selves
as all our faces are shelved.

Chimera and Me

You
fortified brilliance, magnificence;
forsaking marvellous diligence;
overarching far from us--intelligence.
Overloading chimera's fool.
Suffocating a zephyr's pool.
Suffocating a tornado's pool.
Suffocating a hurricane's pool.
Suffocating me.

Rusty, forlorn brakes.
Dusty, sorrow stakes.
I give out all I take.
I take none that I give out.
I blackout.
I'll find peace in a shout.
I found death in a bout.

Heart hides all lies
just like an aimless dart,
useless till I die.
No longer me, a heart.
I am not me, heart.
Shadowing me is still me;
tolerance and me, still me.
The chimera's fool is me.
All fools are me.
The chimera is smart,
the chimera changes its heart;
no, I was lying,
all except me are smart.

Blackout

Written this story last year for SPM English Paper 1. I wrote this off my memory, so it'll definitely be different from the original version. Even so, I decided not to alter any plot points, no matter how rushed it may seem (I only had 70 minutes to plan, write and recheck the entire story during the examination.)

-----------------

The teacher walked into the classroom. It was the first period, which just had to be Mathematics. During that rather insipid day, our Maths teacher, Mr. Slitzh Manseus, absented himself. This simple fact didn't pique our curiosity, as it was all too usual. Normally, Madam White would take his place, but she was down with a fever. We were sad, well not really. We simply wrecked havoc around the class. It was fun.

At that very moment, a walking bamboo entered the spacious classroom. The bespectacled figure, armed with two rather thick books and a smile of disgrace, made his presence a little too obvious. Forty pairs of enlarged eyes fixated their gaze onto this man, observing his rather unorthodox appearance. A lump of brown hair hibernated on the top of his head; he was uncomfortably tall, but that smile of his was what penetrated our minds.

Such a wide, lip-tearing smile wouldn't kill, but it was some other issue that terrorized us. We didn't know why, but the whole class feared that teacher. He was a demon.

"Hello, students. I am Mr. Rammer Strobe. I feel excited to see all of you. I love you."

What did he just say?

Just at that particular second, a prefect stormed into the classroom. He informed us that the school will be organizing an emergency assembly; and yes, we were all required to gather in the school hall. 

No big deal.


So in ten minutes, the aforementioned area was inundated with hordes of students, none of them anxious to know what happened. The principal stood on top of the stage, clenching a microphone in his right hand. He seemed to shiver a little.

"I am very sorry to announce that Mr. Slitzh Manseus, teacher of Mathematics for twenty years, was brutally murdered last night."

In fact, nothing much really happened; just the death of one of the teachers.

Or not.

The whole school went into uncontrollable panic; Mr. Manseus was a highly respected man. How could such products of immorality fall upon one innocent man?

Mr. Strobe simply grinned; his sorrow was null. He was a happy man.

Nobody noticed that.

After (a sad day of) school ended, I limped past the empty corridors towards the school gate, still heartbroken about the tragedy. I miss Mr. Manseus; to recall that I treated him rather badly the last week due to my pet dog's death, I couldn't help but feel like the guiltiest man on Earth.

I saw him.

"Ah, why so sad? Sadness brings nothing positive. He's dead. Dead. There's nothing we can do about it."

Mr. Strobe's acting was too suspicious. It didn't help that he looked like a serial killer; wait, maybe he's the killer? I didn't know. I'd never dare to make major assumptions like that. Maybe he really was the happiest man on Earth, however stupid that might sound.

"Cheer up, my love. Just smile. You don't see me sad, do you?"

I hastened my pace. After passing through the school gate, I turned around and looked backwards; Mr. Strobe was there, standing completely still, like a statue; his teeth reflecting a gratuitous amount of light. How creepy.

The bus stop was never further than three-hundred meters from schooling grounds; but I was a weak little boy. It didn't help that the heat was excruciating. My already sour mood reached its pinnacle.

"For heaven's sake, how could Mr. Manseus die?"

And I remembered something.

The night before, I had a terrible nightmare; a dream so disgustingly cruel that I immediately frowned upon recalling it.

I saw him. No, not Mr. Rammer Strobe, but Mr. Slitzh Manseus. His face was fearful, anguished; he was shrieking in agony. I didn't remember it with extreme clarity though, but I did remember the weird, chaotic surroundings; it was nothing but a crimson world, some sort of hell, maybe? I forgot most of the details.

Wait, did I just predict Mr. Manseus' eventual demise? Was I a prophet?

I simply thought too much, that was all I could conclude.

As I was this close to napping on the dreadfully slow school bus, my gaze was automatically fixated onto a house; a terrace house. Nothing special, other than the fact that Mr. Rammer Strobe was there, showing his gleeful self in broad daylight. I naturally understood that the house belonged to him.

"Why is he smiling the whole day?"

My hatred towards him intensified to the point where I felt like punching him in the face. I couldn't handle his smile, his broad, stupid, reckless smile. A man died and he displayed no tears, that was enough to prove he was not human; or at least, didn't have a human heart.

Or maybe he was the murderer.

"Oh no, my teacher is a psychopathic killer."

I didn't sleep well that night.

Time flies. It was the next morning already.

We were required to attend another boring session of emergency assembly. Again, the students showed no apathy.

"Students..."

The principal's words were cut off by his own tears; not tears of grief or regret, but tears of undeniable fear. He was quivering in his place, as if he was an earthquake machine.

But the news broke long before he took the stage; it came from a friend of mine.

Mr. Rammer Strobe was killed on the previous night.

At that very moment, a group of ten uniformed men barged into the hall with guns in their hands. They were not ordinary people, but policemen. My worst fear was somehow confirmed; there was a murderer in our school.

I didn't believe myself when they aimed their weapons at none other than me.

"Shadow Vegas, raise your hands and don't move! You've been arrested for the homicide of Rammer Strobe and Slitzh Manseus!"

My body became numb almost instantly, as my mind was flooded with mixed emotions; I wanted to cry, yet I just felt like laughing at their faces. I knew I wasn't wrong; I would never kill. Killing is immoral and I didn't, and will never condone such acts.

Something flashed past my thoughts.

It was an environment of pure darkness. Without doubt, I was exploring my dream world again, but I didn't realize it. There, I saw Mr. Rammer Strobe. His grin remained intact.

"Ah, paying me a nice visit in the middle of the night, eh, Shadow?"

My vision was blurred to the point that I could only see his scintillating white teeth, a usual occurrence while dreaming. But I was certain of one rather chilling discovery I've made; I witnessed his ordinary face. He was no longer smiling. He was screaming. He was shrouded in the clouds of fear and hate.

He was not happy.

As I tried to accept the fact that the security forces were charging straight towards me, I tried to piece the unsolvable puzzle together. It wasn't an obvious conclusion; to be honest it was as stupid as accusing Mr. Strobe of killing Mr. Manseus. One of those was true.

I wasn't dreaming. I was awake. I was a killer. I wasn't human, I killed my own race.

I couldn't see a thing. No policemen, no teachers, no students, no school hall, nothing.

I didn't want to live anymore...

Tell me a story.

“Hey… We’ll always be there for one another, right?”

***

Wonderful life I’ve had when I was childish. My mind was sophomoric enough to fall for a girl whose heart belonged to another. Such stupidity, immaturity, conquered my will. Yet, I don’t give a damn or two, because I wasn’t me. No, I was me, and now I’m not me. This constant denial of who I am, or was, is drowning my soulful spirit.

My first impression of her was unforgettable in the most remorseful sense. I was kidding. I don’t remember it, which made it sorrowful. She was too kind. I’ve never met such a benevolent soul other than my parents, or myself. No, I wasn’t benevolent before I met her. I was evil; I didn’t care about friends. See? Everlasting conflicts between two irrelevant issues. How unsatisfying.

She is a girl. I’m just restating the obvious. I’ve never been close to females; she was the first. I will always keep that in mind, which made her important to me. Note the past tense. I’ve never loved her until she loved me; as a friend, as a sibling, as that special one, whatever it was, I will never know. It’s killing me that it had to end so quickly, yet so slowly. I wanted to stay away from her, yet part of me still clung onto her forgotten side, or was it her forgetful side? Did she forget how much I sacrificed for her? Again, I will never know.

I’ve never experienced heartbreak, but in its most fundamental definition, what is heartbreak? Does the act of loving someone who doesn’t reciprocate counts as heartbreak? No? Yes? But my emotional strength was null; I didn’t understand emotions, or feelings, or love. What is love? Can we feel love? Is love tangible? She taught me love, but at the same time she unknowingly led me to loathe love. Can I love everyone? No. People sin, people lie, people deny and I am part of it. Love too much and we’ll never survive this cruel world. Love too little, and we’ll be trapped in our own depressing fantasy.

Shit.

I’ve had enough. Holding onto a loosely crafted rope that may just break anytime isn’t worth it; I can never reach the top. So I let go. I fell all the way into the abyss. The abyss is unconventional; I actually pummelled onto the rock solid ground. I’ve been given a second chance.

But the rope is gone, not even a trace.

No, I’ve been given a second chance in living my own life; that was when college started. Everything changed; I changed, not due to other people, but because I’ve given up on my past self. I will no longer be a shy, doleful kid. I’m no longer a kid.

I was panicking. I’ve screwed up my first driving test. I’d never fallen that hard before in life. I’m sensitive to three things: love, friendship and failure. I laughed it off, but it’ll be exactly two days before the retest that I’ll be all too nervous. I didn’t sleep well. I didn’t nap well. Sleep paralyses. I became moody; unable to control my own emotions.

Oh look. There’s a girl. She seemed overfamiliar. Who is she? I refused to believe my own eyes; they were always cheating little bastards. But no, they were honest, and yet I still couldn’t accept what I’ve just witnessed.

Her.

I didn’t know what to do.

We were like strangers. No, we were strangers. My mouth muted itself; my gaze floating off at a direction that wasn’t towards her.

At that very moment, my mindset was not about the retest but about her. My heart skipped a beat.

I don’t know if it’s some kind of panic attack, or just me entering my dream-like state again, but my mind was completely void of thoughts when my name was called. I opened the car door and entered the vehicle naturally, and I knew that something was wrong.

Another wrong sequence of events? Damn this shit.

I would’ve flunked it worse if not for her on my mind. But in the end, it was to no avail. I just wasn’t myself.

I’m never myself.

***

“Yes, we’ll be there for each other, until we die, until we touch the skies.” 

- End