Transitions IV: The Longest Song

I've stayed away from Facebook these days. I don't feel like socializing much online, save chatting about projects, helping people out, and my girl. In real life, I'm pretty much crazy. Last week, I was more hyper than usual. It's like I've exhausted all my socializing needs (is there even such a term) in college.

Yeah, part of it is due to projects (I'm still left with two more ISUs + finals starting next Friday), but not entirely. It's weird. Am I facing a depressive episode? I'm not sure, maybe not. Maybe it is in fact the mountain of projects and the upcoming finals which made me like this. I'm confident it'll go away after June 13th.

I hope.

I tend to spend a lot longer on projects than most people, simply because I personally feel that part of an excellent project is to make it unique. I don't have physical creativity--ask me to draw, paint, cut and paste, whatever, I'll make shit out of it. I ain't good at that.

It's 10pm, and I'm in a whole different mood compared to the rest of the day; here I am listening to emotional songs when absolutely NOTHING sad happened during the past few months.

And here I am writing about my bipolar disorder when I should've been working on my college projects.

Life interests me. The last post (A Journey Through Humanity) was written as a "base" for my mathematics project. Life is simple; but why can't I just accept that?

I'm really hypocritical at times--no, all the time.

I still haven't fully understand how my mind works; it tends to perceive anything that happened in the past as dreams. Dreams? Yeah, and it only happens when I'm in a depressive state. It's like, every single event that occurred more than three months ago are nothing but fantasy; all my friends were imaginary...? It's weird, truly weird.

I feel estranged from this world; and myself. I don't feel like me, rather, this is my other side--Shadow Vegas.

I have trouble breathing; this is horrifyingly interesting. It's like, I'm writing this blogpost while in a dream state; I'm never truly alive during these moments.

This is not the first time.

But this is not a natural depressive episode. I'm listening to Last Farewell by Big Bang.

This is why I've refrained from listening to Last Farewell and Haru Haru. No, it's not due to the fact that both are astonishingly well-written songs.

Because I've been (unknowingly) listening to them almost every time I (again, unknowingly) lapsed into depressive episodes in the past.

I couldn't breathe properly; I need to force myself to inhale; exhalation comes naturally. My fingers type automatically, without much control from my conscious mind.

I need to stop listening to this song, as I'm feeling even worse than before.

But I couldn't; part of my mind wants me to keep listening to it.

I feel thirsty, I feel sweaty, yet I'm not bothered to stand up and do something about it.

The song's ending.

Good.

Almost there.

Done.

Now I need some time to recover from this episode.