Restrained.

So it's the end of January. Cool.

After spending half a month in CPU, I'm proud to say that I don't regret it at all.

Yes, part of it is because I'm given an opportunity to live a new life, part of it is because I'm not facing too much stress here, but the most significant reason?

I'm being taught to be a better person.

All of the new people I've met has indirectly taught me at least something. Just a mere ten days in CPU changed me more than a year in high school.

I'm quite different from most people in a way that, well, I tend to mature a little later than others. Not really a little, in fact I believed that I lived through my lower secondary school life the same as I lived through my primary school life. It's only till Form Four that I've changed.

However, I could only change so much before I'm being restrained from maturing further.

Most of my high school friends knew me by my happy-go-lucky, childish, introverted self. No matter how much did I try to change their mindset, it'll fail miserably. To them, I'm still the old me. Well, I can't actually blame them, I've imposed this restriction onto myself. Well, it's hard to act differently in front of high school friends, so I went along with the flow.

The flow turned out to be a huge roller coaster ride. And it's only now that I know why did I tend to suffer from emotional breakdowns in high school.

Half of it was because of her.

Half of it was because I wanted to start my life over again, but was denied the ability to do so.

I tend to worry about what people think of me, whether or not wishing a simple "hi" to someone would make them hate me, and basically everything.

This experience in CPU indirectly taught me that sometimes, a smile will lead to a long way, and making new friends isn't all that hard, one just has to take initiative to mix in.

Just ten days, and I'm already loving it; I'm finally able to change myself in a new environment, where the people know me not by my old self, but by the present me, the new me, the friendlier and more outgoing me.

What is going on? Why did I change so much?

Maybe it's because of peer pressure in high school? Maybe it's because of my fear of being alone? Yet, sometimes I think it's only due to the former.

You see, every time I try to change myself, people will think I'm being weird and stuffs. Ironically, when I remain my usual self, people tend to berate me for my personality.

This will to change eventually got a little too strong.

And when I'm all by myself, I decided that I'm gonna change for good, and CPU provided me the perfect chance to do so.

One day, our English lecturer asked us to search for a quote that we find meaningful.

I only had one in mind, a song in fact. Robot Boy by Linkin Park.

“You say you're not gonna fight, cause no one would fight for you.

You think there’s not enough love and no one to give it to.
You’re sure you've hurt for so long, you've got nothing left to lose.
You think compassion's a flaw, and you'll never let it show.
You’re sure you’re hurt in a way that no one will ever know.
Just hold on, the weight of the world will give you the strength to go.”

Runaway.

It's been a while since college started (four days), and instead of going for A-levels like most of my friends do, me and my parents decided that I would be better off choosing CPU (Canadian Pre-University) instead. So yeah.

New year, new life, new environment; which means that I gotta get rid of my shyness and my introverted self, and live a better life.

Better, as in, changing myself to fit in with social norm. I regard the word "better" in a highly subjective manner. I don't really see changing myself as anything but to fit in the crowd more easily. Ditching my more childish personality for a more "mature" lifestyle certainly would scare away some (maybe the two or three) people that actually liked it, but still, I guess this is just social norm. It's hard just being myself without getting criticized at every possible moment. Some people might actually view my childish side as a "better" option, while most of them wouldn't.

What's with me thinking of philosophy and stuffs?

First day of college and I met up with Au Yong and Ivan, who are taking the same course as I am. We met another CHS guy and I met up with a new friend that Rach introduced me to- Caiying. We got along pretty well I guess, for someone that I haven't met in real life before. Hmm, not bad, this kinda gives me the confidence that I needed to be more outgoing.

Made a new friend- Lex during orientation. He's kinda cool and friendly, and I quickly got comfortable with him. Hmm, not bad, an improvement over last year, when befriending one stranger took ages, I've managed to bond with two people in just an hour or two. That's awesome.

College life has been pretty good so far. Yeah, I'm still kinda shy and quiet when meeting up with new people, but at least I'm much more confident that I was last year. I tried to smile more often, and tried to convince myself that not everyone is a monster.

And a thing about smiles that I've noticed, is that it allows us to trust the person more, to bond a stronger connection with the other party. A simple smile forges the path to a mutual connection between each other, and eventually, friendship.

Met some very interesting lecturers; one of them was my English4U (basically a Grade 12 English course) lecturer, who encourages us to express opinions. This, hopefully, will transform me from a timid person into a debater of some sort. That certainly sounds brilliant.

All the extremely memorable recess sessions that I had in high school are the past now. Instead, with only two other friends taking CPU along with me (and our break times don't clash), I have to try to be independent, to meet up with new people, to spend time bonding with new classmates, to surf the net on my iPad in some random area (forever alone). But it's cool, for now, hopefully I'll get used to it soon though.

College life is both good and bad in some ways. In college, taking out our phones (and iPads) in classes is unquestionably normal, we can wear whatever the hell we want (and soon I'm gonna run out of fresh clothes to wear), go wherever the hell we want (no more restrictions), eat basically anything (alright, I'll definitely go bankrupt), etc.

Of course, this means I can't spend much time with my high school friends anymore, can't simply go around and flirt girls anymore (fine, I admit), and well, all those crazy stuffs that I used to do in high school? Most of them are deemed "childish" or "immature" in college. Oh damn.

College marks the start is a new life, a new beginning, and a rebirth (all three of them are the same, actually).

Hey, at least by advancing into college, I could finally safely get rid of a memory that continuously haunted me throughout high school. That one person that slowly devoured all the happiness out of my lonely soul, leaving only sorrow behind. It's not that I hate her, it's just that, although I've been full of glee having her by my side, but deep down in my heart, I've been crying all along, and nobody in this world understands it, because I rarely show my dark side.

And by finally letting go of her, I hope that this long, brutal scar in my heart will heal, even though it'll never be perfect again.

I wanna run away from my haunted past, from the memories that never existed in her eyes, from the cruelty of society, and everything else in between. I wanna escape the paranoia that chased me till no end, the fake happy masks that I've been constantly wearing, and the people that abused me for their own good.

Run all the way until I hit a brick wall and start over again; or run until I see the light, and finally free myself from the chains that enslaved me. Whichever it is, I just want to finally move on.

I'm no longer the person that I used to be.