What We Don't Know

I worry too much, and it's getting on my nerves.

I also think too much, and it's irritating me.

Hmm, whatever.

I also realized that I suffer from OCD (Obsessive-compulsive disorder), some kind of disorder which causes me to do useless stuffs repetitively. I open and close room doors numerous times, same for the fridge doors, bottle caps as well, even faucets. Might need to see a doctor soon if it gets too serious. -.-

Got the 10th position in class, and yes I know my results got worse. I mean, I lost thirty marks in add maths due to carelessness. Gah =.=

"This is how we fall apart, but this is how beginnings start. Cause when our heads betray our hearts, we fake what we don't know."

We Are Young

It is only nature that we shall evolve from day to day, well that's what I feel. After a chain of events, I realized that I kinda adapted myself to a more gregarious life. It's weird at first, and honestly I'm not that used to it, but I kept telling myself "don't give a damn about what people think of you".

It's the only way that I can expand my friendship tree.

Sometimes I wonder, what the hell did I do during high school? More specifically, what did I do during the first three years? Other than excessive gaming and more gaming, I didn't do much, or anything at all. In class, I just sat idly on my seat, chatting with people around me and occasionally did homework.

This year is gonna be different. I'll no longer be gluing onto my own seat. It's my last year, so why not make it the best?

I might not have even half the amount of friends that most people have, but whatever, it's better to change late than never to change at all.

I'm not gonna miss my old self.

"Tonight, we are young, so let's set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun."

26/03/2012

Sometimes I thought of this, if the best of 2A4/3A4 and 4S3/5S3 were to be brought together, I'll be studying in my dream class.

Or let's make it this way, if I were to be given a chance to study in A4 again, I will make it my dream class.

With all honesty, if one were to ask me which class do I prefer, I would take ages to answer.

Let's see, A4 provided me with a group of friends to socialize with, and a class full of friendly people which I could socialize with but I didn't know how, until I entered S3.

So yeah, I'm confused.

But I'm actually really happy to be in S3. No joke.

Anyways, life's pretty polarizing these days. One day everything might seem well and the next day all hell might break loose. Mood swings? I don't know, doesn't seem like it.

Dad's been bitching lately, asking me to study some shit. Shit. I did as you told and my results are worse than those who studied the day before, so don't pressurize me.

Now that I think of it, I really, really miss A4.

20/03/2012

Blegh. Expected lah. Got 38/80 for Add Maths, which really, is much worse than I thought. At most, I could only achieve a "C", which is a new thing for me. Six careless mistakes actually resulted in me losing more than 25 marks. Damn -.-

Physics and Chemistry results were actually pretty satisfying, although I could definitely do better. I loathe acids and bases, freaking stupid chapter. Will surely focus more on those subjects from now on.

Chinese, 48/80, which ain't that bad. Hell, it's actually pretty good. I mean, I can't even write UPSR-standard Chinese essays, what did you expect?

Moral was pretty satisfying as well. Got a 10 (full marks) for the essay section, for the first time. LOL. And I actually sat for the paper with my half-conscious mind faltering at the mere sight of every question.

English, oh the most auspiciously ravishing language of all time, such marvel only rivaled by the scintillating teardrops of the most Junoesque princess. What the hell. -.-

I'm grotesquely exhausted by the sordid little "rules" that you imposed. It's not the first time that I has endured the purgatory that you has confined me into. Such malevolence! It was already saturnine of you to deliberately ignore my self-inputted "very sophisticated words" in place of your own. Do you not endorse universal English? Or did you intend to conquer the English world with your flippant attitude?

I already used five of your "sophisticated words" in the above paragraph.

There are always reasons that paved way to my rather mediocre scores in English examinations. Such disgrace you are to only judge one's book by its damn cover, and not its contents. I compose stories my way, and I understand my own flaws, such as a lack of vocabulary skills and my fetish for fantasy-esque settings; so I don't need someone like you to criticize me in all the wrong places.

For example, you claimed that examiners "couldn't care much" about checking through tenses and commanded us to only use past tenses, regardless of situation. Bastard? More like some pitiless pile of shit stuck on someone's ass cause he couldn't care much of it. Even in situations such as "I ran toward the person, ignoring the fact that I am a boy.", however humorous it might be, you'll probably be insisting that the "am" be changed to "was" to form "the fact that I was a boy". Unless I have a gender change operation or whatsoever, I could not apply the above sentence. Knowing your disdainful methods of grasping the very basic foundation of the English Language, and your previous attempts in correcting my conspicuously perfect use of the present tense to past tense, the above situation will occur when given a chance.

I don't need someone like you to reprimand my creativity. You wanted essays to start with a "bang" and end with a "twist". Yes, I have to agree that it is one of the better ways to create a story. But whenever I sacrificed the "bang" with a more formal introduction of what would be a convoluted story, or when I excused the "twist" with a remarkably splendid conclusion that will make your heart melt, you decided to oppose it, insisting that it will make the examiner bored.

Bored? If you're bored then I would suggest you to retire your post for the people who truly appreciate a nice, satisfying ending.

And based on your requirements for five "sophisticated words" from your book, an "okie-dokie", a metaphor, a simile, a saying, start with a "bang" and end with a "twist", a story like this could garner  full score.

"The gregarious Jason killed his vivacious parents for no reason. He quickly went to his room to lick his wounds. The next day, the amiable Jason went to the supermarket to buy a scintillating piece of sordid shit. The shit was so sordid that it made cows fly. He met a jejune girl with legs as hairy as a monkey. She proposed to him and he said "Okie-dokie!", as the saying goes, "nothing is impossible". They soon got married. They suddenly died from cancer and the world exploded into pieces. The end."

Yep, a suitable start with a "bang" and an unbelievably impeccable "twist" ending there alright. Masterpiece.

Damn.

Phew, ranted enough I guess. -.-

I might release a book entitled "The Gregarious Jason and The Hot Girl Who Suffered From Cancer" soon.

My Heart Is Broken

School's starting. Brilliant. One week passed by without much happening. I've expected it anyways.

Befriended some nice people during the holidays, and also improved my relationships with some people. I'm gonna try and resurrect the old happy-go-lucky me, been sick of worrying too much about unnecessary stuffs. I literally worried about everything, and it ain't good.

Been addicted to Evanescence recently. I somehow prefer female vocals over male vocals for no reason. Amy Lee has an epic voice, love her so much. Go listen to the song on this post's title, it's beautiful.

I just realized how egregiously horrible my Chinese standard is. All the points provided in the workbook, instead of helping me, actually challenged my sanity. Flipping through a thousand-page dictionary ain't fun you know.

Been sleeping a lot these days. Something like, 11 hours per day. Fantastic.

My heart has been broken once, and I'm not going to let it break again. Never.

Identity (Last Update: 15 March 2012)

Boredom kills, so I rely on incessant story-writing to keep me alive.

Been experimenting with a variety of genres, and this one will be more action and thriller-oriented.

Identity
- Prologue

Misunderstood

Such intricate, profound silence belled my soul,
for fear it shall be lost in its own purgatory,
forever unseen, forever a mere story.
No mortal grasped my morality, dignity,
for they belittled who I am, who I was.
They shan't devour the kingdom which I conquered,
they shall only inflict excruciatingly,
they were murdered.

Place faith when I claim I'm worthy,
or even a little sorry,
all blatant deceits,
acts of counterfeit.
This world bladed its path, treacherously,
people surrendered mercifully,
but I shan't surrender hastily.
I forged my life without appreciating life,
and now I shall die without consuming life.

Picturesque world, reflected my daze,
you're like the glorious golden wings,
scintillating the inner wrongdoings.
I'm just a solitary boy,
community shan't forgive this little toy?
Companions whom lent me their hearts,
were necrotic darts
when I undermined my heart.

None shall my bloodshot eyes fixate onto,
as they criminalized yours truly,
been demoralized so unruly.

Only in Him whom I believe,
whom endorsed me to relieve;
broke the chains which ensnared me,
cured the wounds which crippled me.
Only in Him whom I gain the will to live,
as I glorified and loved him more than society.
Only in Him whom I could smile,
as everything would go a thousand miles.
Only in Him whom I could thank sincerely,
in the name of the Lord,
Amen.

14/03/2012

What did I do during the past five days? -.-

First term holidays are pretty mediocre, which could drown my day in the wrath of boredom. Well, except those heaps of assignments and gratuitous amounts of homework which needs to be completed. Damn, can't I just throw all my student responsibilities away for a week? Gah.

Screw homework, things are going pretty smooth these days, no mood swings so far, which is certainly a marvellous thing. And people tend to wonder whether I have a superfluous amount of oestrogen in my body. LOL.

People are busy with various awkwardly-named camps and stuffs, and I'm here all alone, staring at my LCD computer screen ten hours a day. I might actually write another story soon, and (hopefully) finish it before the holidays end, if I ever finish it at all, that is.

Been trying to be a little more vivacious, as I've been like damn quiet, until recently. It's my last year in high school, so I definitely wanna make it a memorable one, unlike last year which was literally a roller-coaster ride through the deepest pits of hell.

What course should I take when I enter college? So far, I'm only (albeit, slightly) interested in writing and stuffs which allows me to squeeze out creative juices. I loathe being restricted, I loathe rules, I loathe being ordered to do stuffs. I want to be as free as my hair, it's all the glory that I bare (quote by Lady Gaga).

Seven more weeks till the mid term examination. Shit, like seriously, what the hell?

Thanks.

I don't know if you're reading this or not. Either way, I don't care. I just feel like penning out my emotions here.

Yes, I'm going through my usual haphazard mood swings now. Damn. This chapter of my life is long over, and yet I still feel the urge to crap about it.

Well, considering that I've never crapped about this before...

I remembered back then, about a year ago, when I met you, I merely assumed you're just another person whom I'll meet, befriend and forget sooner or later. That's what I nearly did with my other group of friends. I didn't know nothing, because I was a timid, unfaithful young child; home to a rather jejune, childish mind. It was unnerving, really, because I was this close to being some sadistic bastard who never treasure anything other than my dreadful self.

I didn't know much, because I rarely mix with females. I didn't know how to communicate with them, how to approach them in a manner that won't end up with my pride annihilated. And now, I still wonder who started it first. Was it you whom took the initiative and befriended me? Yes. I really think so. You and your extrovert personality forged a path to our friendship. I would've never even thought of opening that path beforehand.

The role of Facebook could never be denied. You were, really, the first girl whom I could chat with on Facebook for more than thirty minutes, which was an accomplishment for me. And it was all because of your gregarious attitude. I recalled that at first, I stumbled to reply to your messages, as I did not know how to continue an active conversation. Little did I know that in just a mere few days, I actually chatted with you more than anyone else on my Facebook friend list.

Until now, I still doubt your honesty when you said you'll miss me when I go overseas in the future for further education. Yet, you just seemed so sincere back then, so I really don't know.

And I remembered what you used to call me. I personally found it really, really sweet. Now, you usually address me by my real name, and frankly speaking, I ain't that used to it.

I will always treasure the times when we had lunch together. You were the first girl, no, the first schoolmate that did so, just the both of us. I indirectly learned how to communicate with females when its just the two of us, as I used to rely on the help of other people to start topics with girls in the past.

And there was once when I complained about me being sort of an introvert, one whom seldom attempts to socialize with the community, as I feared that I will be rejected. I remembered with clarity that you told me to smile, to smile the widest smile every time I meet people. And I tried to do so, been improving day after day.

You were the only one who actually cared for me last time, really. It was only because of you that I felt appreciated, at least someone knew and appreciated my existence.

It kept getting better since then.

The days when we shared a blog, which was your idea if I'm not mistaken. Twenty posts, nothing much really. Except that one post where we literally wrote our feelings towards each other. It was bittersweet, really, but just by reading that post, even now, it never failed to make me smile.

And yes, there's a reason why my first karaoke session was still the best one.

Things happened, and our friendship became unstable, to the point where it could break any second. But we didn't give up, so it lasted a lot longer than it should be. Until that particular week which I would not mention.

I really had no intention of chasing you after that, yet I really, really just wanted to spend time with you. Glad that we recovered somewhat quickly.

The times when you glued yourself onto me, when we held hands in the train, when you leaned on my shoulder, and the time when I hugged you, they made me feel a kind of warmth which I'd never felt before.

But it all ended in a high note I guess. An outing together, or an unofficial date, although technically it wasn't a date since we were just "more than friends". With that, I placed a full stop to that chapter of my life, a chapter filled with excitement, happiness, suspense, and a soaring climax until the near end, when it all concluded with satisfaction.

I've never liked a girl for this long.

Thank you really, really much, for once becoming part of my life, changing me, maturing my thoughts, turning me from a shy young boy to a more outgoing person, making me feel appreciated and strengthening my mentality. You changed me more than you think, and it's all (mostly) towards the positive path.

Really, thanks for creating a story in my life. (:

Shivering Shadows

Moonlight clarified her thousand faces,
dazzled by the demeanor
of her mentor.
Lacerated grotesquely into her flaws, wounds,
deemed futile, subtly, by her imbeciles,
as her jejune, naive intuition gave in,
to the blood within.

Debauchery derailed as she intended,
myriads of men, left untended.
She entrusted her sanity to the blade,
recklessly, restlessly witnessed it
scintillate the forest glade.
Without motivation, feeble recognition,
the leaves faltered
upon conceiving her intention.

Hurricanes skirmished the night, emerged a soul;
immaculate skin which reciprocated all light,
blemished heart which resonated all blight;
like a serpent, slithering waggishly,
unpredictably.
She felt the urge to compromise such forte.
One wouldn't grasp the enigma of their game,
as their sinful stigma, conspicuously the same.

Such is to blame,
as dignity consumed her inner flare,
saturnine glare;
alluringly ravishing,
yet oppressively distressing,
such that the pigeons wailed in sorrow,
at a glance of her shivering shadow.

Erythrocytes

Biology is interesting. Chinese is not, and never will be.

Such an amazing exam schedule. Seriously, why couldn't they pair Chinese with something like, English maybe?

I'm worried about Modern Maths for some reason. If it's like Add Maths then I'm screwed.

Damn. Taio Cruz's songs are so addictive.

I still don't really get the lymphatic system. I mean, what the hell is that?

Oh, and Minecraft is addictive. Go play it. You must.

I so want Lady Gaga to come to Malaysia. Damn.

And yes, I love writing extremely short posts like this.

todai ish a veli gud dai to die

Add maths, I knew it.

(most probably) Lost 10 marks for the graph question due to not following the given scale. Damn. There is a given scale? -.-

First page took me 15 minutes. Second page took me 30 minutes. Hell, that bullshit graph alone took me another 20 minutes.

And I wonder how did I rush the remaining nine questions in an hour.

Blah. Screw it. Biology will be interesting.

Chinese. Damn.

2/3/2012

Add Maths, especially you, differentiation, just go and die lah, I despise you.

Chinese, why the hell does your examination fall on the same day as Biology? Damn Chinese sayings. 210+ of them for a mere ten marks. Like geez, should I even memorize those sayings or not?

Procrastination sucks. I realized that I (somewhat) literally shitted on my homework this year, as PEBEL marks don't really bother me anymore. Shit.

Tomorrow's the start of the first term examination. Honestly, I would very much prefer to write those insanely long continuous essays than doing a batshit summary of some uninteresting work. Directed writing sucks big time, it always sapped out my time like a bee obtaining pollen.

To all you nonexistent readers out there who are actually reading my blog (especially CHS-ians), well, wish all of you the best for tomorrow! If maths shits on you, clip a RM50 note onto the paper. You and your parents will be proud people very soon.

.

Damn.

It's been a long while, and I thought I could leave that chapter aside and just move on with life.

But why does the glass of my heart's sanity shatter into shards every time I see those pictures? 

Bullshit. What the hell is this?

1/3/2012

First post in March.

Time flies faster than the speed of neutrinos, like really. I promised myself that this year will be a blast, and I shall never take back on that promise.

Realized that I communicate with people (especially girls) a lot more now, which is a splendid thing, as I really tried to avoid being some sort of outcast. Pariah is another word for outcast, and it's definitely a fancy word.

Been lazing around lately, as my study mood's been switching on and off haphazardly. Sometimes I just feel like finishing ten chapters of biology in a day, sometimes I feel like finishing ten chapters of my latest story in a day. Whatever.

Taio Cruz's Hangover may be my song of the year. Awesome buildup to the final chorus, stupefying catchy beat, and well, atrocious lyrics. Well, if a song could hypnotize me into doing 300+ questions of biology, then it's good.

And yes, there's a difference, either a conspicuous or subtle one, between sweet talking and a regular conversation. Don't get me wrong, that's my way of communicating with most (if not all) girls. And if you loathe people who converse with honey drenched onto their lips, then just look at some other direction, even though sincerely teaching someone something she doesn't understand is in no way some love-induced topic.

Exams in two days. Wish me luck. (: