Emotional Diarrhea

- This is a work of fiction -

My boss told me that the material would break; the results of my computerized simulation concluded otherwise. My boss' statement was a mere hypothesis, but my boss glared at me. I took two steps back from the table. I was afraid. Was my simulation erroneous? Did I configure some settings wrongly? But... I'm just a mere company intern; yes, the company is prestigious, but it was my first time doing this, they should be more forgiving of mistakes... no? I mean, my internship allowance could barely cover the price of lunch in the company's canteen; it was literally just three slices of grey bread and a glass of water. 

Lunch is free for full-time employees. Lunch costs five dollars for part-time employees and interns. My daily internship allowance is four dollars.

Such a low allowance is never an excuse to not work hard. I'm a responsible person. I only produce quality work. I am willing to learn new things. It was my first time simulating an impact test on a material. First time. My boss uttered, your work is bullshit, and I could not believe it. With computerized simulations, one wrong setting or an extra zero could entirely mess up your results; that's why I checked my work five times. Why couldn't my boss just tell me my mistake? My boss is intelligent enough to predict what went wrong. At least, my boss could just give me some advice on the most common mistakes, since I'm pretty sure that I wasn't careless, because I put my heart into everything I do.

It has nothing to do with impressing my boss, but it's more of me blaming the unfairness of the system.

The problem was that I had to learn the ins and outs of the simulation program through the built-in "readme" file. My boss said that the other employees had to go through the same thing, but they weren't assigned to such a major project a mere six days after being hired.

But that wasn't the worst part. My boss graduated at the same time as me, from the same university. We are of the exact same age.

But my boss' parents were major shareholders of this company. Ever since the old boss died in a road accident, my boss' parents abused their significant positions and pushed their child up the company hierarchy. Before, my boss' mother was the boss; six days ago, her child is now my boss.

I'm not complaining; my boss' intelligence far exceeds everyone in our university. I would've never doubted my own work if not for my boss' hypothesis. My boss is always right.

But my boss... was my friend...?!

My boss used to always be there for me during my harshest times. My grandparent was sick, and my boss accompanied me to the hospital, and donated ten thousand dollars to help ease my burden on the surgery cost. My boss comforted me. My boss told me that my grandparent would be fine. I believed my boss. My grandparent was strong.

The surgery failed. My grandparent is on the verge of dying. Doctors claimed that the best they could do is to perform a five-thousand-dollar surgery on my grandparent. It would extend my grandparent's life by up to fourteen days. This happened six days ago.

Six days ago, I was hired by this company by none other than my former friend, who was newly appointed as my boss. I told my boss about this. My boss asked me to fuck off. Old people should just die.

My boss said that I was never close with my grandparent, so why the hell should I give a damn? It's true, me and my grandparent always had a language barrier in between us, and I never really felt connected to my grandparent ever since I was little. It is only recently that I have begun visiting my grandparent in the hospital. We exchanged no words, only hugs.

I mean, I'm only beginning to understand the meaning of love and the purity of the human heart. I thoroughly regret not giving enough love. I'm trying to fix it. My boss is not supporting me on this. My boss wants me to be his slave. He is abusing my willingness to overwork to achieve good results. He told me, don't go home until you fix this fucked up simulation.

He warned me, if you make one more mistake I'll use my position to ruin your future. You'll never find a proper job again. Remember, I was never your friend.

But I didn't know what went wrong with the simulation...

The fucking "readme" file didn't teach me shit. 

I wanted to visit my grandparent after work, but I guess I couldn't. Since I had no money to afford my grandparent's life-extending surgery, doctors said that my grandparent would not survive past tonight.

I couldn't even say my last goodbyes...? 

Why was I so stupid? Why didn't I properly love people?

I used to be the kid who loved and was loved by everyone. Then I met the toilet cleaner.

The company's toilet cleaner used to be someone I loved when I was in elementary school. The toilet cleaner suddenly left school. In middle school, the toilet cleaner was my middle school toilet cleaner. In high school, the toilet cleaner was my high school toilet cleaner.

In university, the toilet cleaner was my university toilet cleaner.

The toilet cleaner cleaned the toilets of all the places that I spend most of my time in. The toilet cleaner was kicked out of elementary school due to the inability to afford school fees. The toilet cleaner had to find a job, which soon turned out to be a toilet cleaner.

But I was still willing to love the toilet cleaner, although the toilet cleaner is a toilet cleaner.

But in middle school, the toilet cleaner told me that I don't deserve the toilet cleaner. I vehemently denied it. But we grew apart. I was a student, and the toilet cleaner was a toilet cleaner. I still don't get it; why follow me wherever I go if the toilet cleaner kept claiming that I was too good for a toilet cleaner?

Is this love?

But we stopped exchanging our daily hellos and byes as I entered high school. We stopped looking at each other in the eyes as I entered university. In this company, we actively tried to avoid each other.

Yet, when I told this story to my boss while we were still in university, my boss told me that this is what society calls "love". My grandparent told me that this is not love, and I should not stop loving just because I've been through this... complex situation.

Right after my boss told me to fix my fucked up simulation, I ran to the toilet. I encountered the toilet cleaner along the way. For the first time in four years, the toilet cleaner looked at me in the eyes and said I love you.

I asked why. The toilet cleaner told me, we are finally equal now. You used to be high up on this imaginary pedestal, with your excellent grades and your unwavering diligence, but today, that pride of yours is finally gone.

I heard about it. You're complaining that you had to learn everything through that "readme" file, didn't you? Why didn't you just ask the twenty other employees in your department? They're the friendliest people I've met. They looked at me in the eyes. They smiled and said hello to me. 

But you didn't even look at them. You only wanted to lick your boss' shoes. You only wanted to climb up the company hierarchy. To you, those employees are rivals.

Remember, you're just an intern, your job here is to learn, not to think that you know everything.

I could no longer speak. My eyes are swollen and my heart is blazing. I feel deeply offended, deeply saddened, and wish to strangle the toilet cleaner... deeply.

Why are you not speaking? How are you going to learn if you refuse to ask questions?

Shut up. Fuck learning. I just need the cash, okay? If I do well, I'll immediately be hired after my internship ends, and I'll fuck every single one of these stupid employees. 

I need the money to pay for my grandparent's surge-

Bullshit. Grandparent this grandparent that. You only want to win, don't you?

You don't know anything, toilet cleaner. The old boss was my father.

And your boss' parents murdered your father, no? They hired some person to ram their car into him.

Fuck off. Why do you even care?

Don't you hate your boss? Your boss ruined your life.

I just need to impress him. I will fix this damn simulation. He will praise me.

Are you even listening to me?

And I've been here for an hour; inside this toilet cubicle. Hard to suppress the sounds of me sobbing my way through the evening. I do not dare to step out of this cubicle, for they are outside.

Didn't you tell me that you're going to visit me today? 

You're the intern's grandparent? You seem strong and healthy. Were you ever sick before?

Have not fallen sick in the last two months, thank God for that. 

Then do you know that your grandchild borrowed ten thousand dollars from me six days ago? Your grandchild claimed that it will be used to pay for your surgery fees. I told your grandchild to treat this as a donation rather than a loan, for I was more worried about your health than of my savings.

Oh my! I hope my apologies would be enough for you to forgive my grandchild, for my grandchild had some... problems.

Gambling?

No no no no no no no

That, and to purchase alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, hiring prostitutes...

Shut up shut up SHUT UP

Gosh... I'm... sorry... I could've done more as a friend to help your grandchild out of this...

It's fine, my grandchild's pretty damn hopeless. I've given up.

I've heard all of it.

Is that the voice of the toilet cleaner? Shit. The toilet cleaner's going to chase me out of here. How would the toilet be cleaned if I'm... sitting on it?

But I don't want to go back... I love this place. I love this private moment. I want to live here. In my thoughts. In my mind. In my heart.

Let me tell the two of you a story. The person who's shitting in that cubicle right now used to be my lover. Ever since middle school started, this person no longer looked at anyone in the eyes. This person had to be better than everyone. This person always had to win.

But enough of that. I have to clean this toilet. So will all the people here kindly resume your business in the toilets on the next floor? 

The voices get softer.

My friend, I deeply apologize for what my parents have done twenty years ago, that's why I promised you a while ago to use my position to help you succeed in the future, that's why I spent two hours teaching you about the ins and outs of the program. No matter what you have done, I will always be your friend.

I storm out of the cubicle. Everything is a blur. The mirrors, the sinks, and the floors amalgamated into a semi-opaque smudge of grey. I wash my eyes with blood water. I can see now.

I sprint to the office. There is no one. The walls were cracked and the paint is now grey. I sit on my chair and brush the cobwebs off my computer mouse. The office was grey and the lights were grey and my simulation program was grey but I see the grey material on my grey computer screen and I tried to find the "readme" file and there is no "readme" file so I type my own "readme" file this will impress my boss and my grandparent and that fucking annoying toilet cleaner will finally fuck off because I'm fucking smart and by the way I made a careless mistake because I did not put my heart into anything I did.

I fix the mistake

The simulation begins to run

the material breaks, just like my heart