Hi
I was quite very lonely
I really was
maybe not the loneliest person on earth
I mean, I had friends
I met some nice people
but I was always a little lost
I was often uncertain
I questioned a lot
when I see the beautiful lives of others
the loving lives of others
how happy they were
how perfect their lives were
holding hands, sharing kisses
those pictures hurt me
I tend to look away from them
why were they so perfect
why were their lives to fulfilled
Then, in college, something happened
I know, this makes it sound like
I'm just blaming some things in the past
but really, I was still lonely
I never connected
I never really cared
and I questioned myself, like
this does not feel right
I felt restricted
I felt confined in a box
a prison
yet, my inexperience in life was
telling me that it was perfect
yet I did not delve into that perfection
I did not understand why
I thought I was a spoiled child
people were telling me I was a spoiled child
maybe not through their mouths
but through their hearts
I felt it
judging me if I never gave it a shot
if I did not feel love
but really, I did not feel love
I grew more distant from love
so when I got away from it
when I left the past behind
I, too, left what made me human behind
because I thought that I could never love
willingly, that is
I thought that all perfect lives are fake
and those lives were never suited for me
I loved being alone
I loved being just me
And we talked about that.
We were...
just ordinary classmates back then
sitting adjacent to each other
you were always a little quiet at first
I was always a little noisy at first
I don't know, but we were
just casual friends
I guess
never really had deeper feelings
we were all so engrossed in our own
teenage love dramas
our own soap operas
ridiculously long, ridiculously boring
ridiculously sad
yet a ridiculously good topic to talk about
during our late night online chats
There was an international hug day
or something like that
and you gave me a hug
it was probably my first from a friend
thanks
That time
we were never more than just friends
but a damn good friend you were
and still are
High school
has always been filled with moments
memorable for all the
right and wrong reasons
there were ups and downs
regretful days and sleepless nights
yearning for the love that was
seemingly lost
wanting an opportunity to be with
our crushes
not all was bad
now, when we reminisce
those times of such glamouring nostalgia
were filled with itching feelings of
innocent sweetness
in our teenage hearts
yet why do the memories of me and you
all the times we've spent together
were always so bright and lovely
although we were just best friends?
Best friend
it wasn't a term I used lightly
still isn't a term I use lightly
people said
you can't have a best friend and a lover
be the same person
people said
there's never getting out of the infamous
friend zone
but we were only best friends
and we meant it
from our heart
we never had
any deeper feelings for each other
but we
always appreciated each other
and yearned for
each other's company
during both
good and bad times
we loved each other
as best friends
as merely best friends
But then, my mouth has spoken
that I am in love with another
yet, I was constrained
thrown into a pool that tried to drown me
I was confused
I wanted to get out
and I could not seek help
for my every action was being watched
I was a puppet
and it was my fault
for an entire year
I barely spoke to you
and I'd never want to experience that again
not because of the pains
of being trapped
not because of the torture
of being controlled
but because of the loneliness
of not talking with you
But you did not hate me
well, maybe you did in your heart
I'm sorry
once my restraints were loosened
we bonded once again
and thanks to you, I felt a little less lonely
while still swimming in that pool
indeed, I was slightly freer
being slightly more able to dictate my life
but I was still trapped in that pool
yet we did not talk about this back then
because I was trying to convince myself
that a lover does not need to be
a best friend
a lover simply cannot be
a best friend
I finally got out of that pool
And we talked about that.
We talked every day
having even more late night online chats
sharing funny videos with each other
speaking to each other without hindrance
there was no need to fake
unlike when I was in that
pool
but my mind was set
I did not want a lover
not until the next ten years
I wanted to be lonely
I yearned loneliness
because, to me
loneliness was the only way for me to
achieve the freedom
to dictate my life
I told you I liked being lonely
I told you I liked being lonely...
Yet, why was I so happy
when I was talking with you?
Why did I enjoy
our yearly meetups so much?
Maybe it's because
we were best friends
?
You know
I still find it funny that we
as best friends
never once
considered taking it a step further
perhaps we were afraid that we would
lose each other
perhaps we were afraid that things would
go wrong
be another sad episode in our lives
oh, how little did we know
that a small spark was all it took
to ignite the flames of passion
It was too easy
effortless
we thought that there would be more
awkward moments
or cold moments
like the many relationships we've seen
when people get bored of each other
or run out of things to talk to each other
many others bonded the normal way
a period of chasing
confession
acceptance
and love
and soon
they might progress to being best friends
I can't imagine a lover
that is not a best friend
how tough would life be?
Or maybe that's just me
We bonded through a way that
was completely unexpected
completely different
yet, now when we look back
was completely natural
completely ordinary
and there can be no other way to start this
lifelong journey of love
with a best friend
of more than seven years
watching each other grow up
frankly
I was pretty damn childish back then
I'm still surprised that you wanted to be
friends with me
this weird, lonely oddball
always a little too weird
among our peers
always a little too noisy
at the wrong moments
always a little too quiet
when I was asked to stand up for myself
but always a little too innocent
for life
And we talked about that.
I guess
that innocence is what made us bond, huh
just two innocent individuals
trying to understand the complications
of teenage love
trying to get through periods
of teenage drama
without so much of a scar
it is that innocence that made you see me
for who I really was
not the image that I tried to put up
to impress others
not the confidence that I tried to show off
to make it seem like I was so friendly
that I was so enthusiastic in everything
I used to struggle a lot
with low self-esteem and
a lack of social confidence
but I did not feel afraid when talking to you
I did not worry about whether I was
a good talker
or whether I was good enough to be
your friend
it was just so natural
it was just so magical
It may be a shock to others
and even to us back then
that we got together
after years of friendship
but when we were finally together
we could no longer imagine
what would life be
without each other
And we definitely talked about that.
Now, we just can't wait
for the next time we meet each other
in front of your house, or in some station
or just passing by
as we look at each other in the eyes
our hearts pounding with excitement
with smiles on our lips, all we can say is
hi!
