Transitions III: Reflections

Do I know myself?

Well, yeah, I have bipolar disorder. It couldn't be more obvious than this.

Last week was pretty much a hyper week for me; I slept six hours (or less) daily and still manage to last through the day without naps. In fact, I get more manic as the day passes. I had mild insomnia almost every night.

Today's a busy day. I've rushed two projects. Just a few minutes ago, my depressive episode kicked in. I didn't feel a single bit accomplished--I feel useless now. I feel pessimistic. I suddenly fear about issues that were too trivial, too pathetic.

My depressive episodes are not naturally induced, they are caused; by what? I don't know.

But I'm getting closer to the answer. It's a recurring pattern actually. 

I'm both a socialist and a loner.

There will be times when I hate being alone. I'll get emo for being alone. I want to socialize. I want to be surrounded by friends. I want to jump and joke around, scream, and just be who I am.

Who am I?

I used to call my dark side (I'll refer it to depressive episode from now on) a "separate" being. Shadow Vegas. He is my dark side. But calling it "dark" is an understatement; an insult; a disgrace.

I have two reflections--my manic episode (the hyper me) and my depressive episode (Shadow Vegas). Both of them are me. I am not me without any one of them.

Shadow Vegas is unique. It's the side of me that is intrigued about this world. It's my creative side.

Shadow Vegas is forever a loner but never lonely. When I'm too lazy to socialize, I'll usually hide in a corner. Shadow Vegas is lazy. I like being alone and I like socializing.

Shadow Vegas is also sad. I can be extremely ecstatic a minute ago, and a minute later I might be so doleful that I may be on the verge of crying.

Shadow Vegas is pessimistic yet optimistic.

I'm confident that I have many loyal friends. I rejoice. I'm also confident that my friends hate me. I weep.

I'm comfortable around friends. I rejoice. I'm uncomfortable around friends, but I'm comfortable alone. I rejoice.

I can be satisfied about being myself, yet two seconds later I might loathe and curse myself to hell.

Whenever I think about high school, I feel as if it's just a long, extended dream; as if it never occurred in reality. I lament about how childish I was in high school, yet sometimes seek to relive that moment just for the sake of it. Sake of what?

I don't know.

But I'm getting closer to understanding my reflections.

My reflections are slowly becoming one, but it can never do so; because I don't want it to merge. I like having two sides.

It makes life more interesting, and unique.

My life might seem ordinary from the outside, but I live in two worlds. I like it. Very much.