I rewrote Worded Life IV. Why? Cause the old one wasn't genuine enough; it failed to represent the significance of this period of my life.
I wanted Worded Life IV to be as long as the previous parts; I wanted to beat around the bush before finally expressing my emotions; I wanted a satisfying climax to this phase of life of mine.
But I told myself that there will be no more pretense, for I am now my pre-2011 self, and my pre-2011 self is me.
In my previous blogposts, I used to distance my current self from that of pre-2011, as I deemed that period of my life to be immature, unknowing about "society" and "the world". But the "Lucid Lapse" was a period about me trying to make sense of a realistic life and my fantastical expectations, and to live a new life with that mindset; Melbourne provided me with that opportunity; yet I repeatedly claimed that I was socially exhausted after the whole experience, and I needed time off from society to recuperate. Yet five months have passed and I'm still like... this. Memories of Melbourne turned from beautiful, to bittersweet, to... tiring?
What went wrong?
Was I not already myself during Melbourne? For five years I've been telling myself that I couldn't be my true self as I didn't have the opportunity to live a new life; well that opportunity came at the beginning of this year, so what happened?
Well, I simply overextended past my true self.
I wanted people to know me not for me, but for the "good" qualities of me. I was afraid of showing weaknesses; I was afraid of displaying a different side of me; I tried to avoid any scenarios that would force me to leave the idealized image of myself. These are all warning signs that I was probably masking my true self, but till this day I still maintain that I wasn't masking anything during my time in Melbourne.
It all goes back to the talk about the "heart". I was afraid to leave the idealized image as I have not fully reconciled with my own heart. I do feel more emotions, less indifference, and was way more empathetic than, say, the "Worldly Desire" period, but I know one thing for sure; I wasn't my true self.
But I was close.
The five months after Melbourne were my cooldown periods after a hectic, yet memorable life in Melbourne, and my schedule during those months uncannily resembled that of pre-2011.
During pre-2011, I only had two priorities; complete my coursework and play video games. To some, it's the very definition of a waste of my youth, but to me, that schedule molded me into who I am today.
But the significance of this schedule lies in the reduced priority to socialize and be part of a larger community, which is the antithesis of everything I believed in during the "Worldly Desire" period.
However, I was happy, because for those months I completely stopped thinking and worrying about both people's judgement of me and my role in society.
After all, I just wanted to get good results and play video games, which is the definition of a simple, carefree life, just like my life pre-2011.
Back then, I was a happy-go-lucky kid in a high school world where social hierarchy meant everything.
Now, I am a happy-go-lucky adult in a grown-up world where all you need to find other good hearts is to have a good heart yourself.
Maybe that applied to the high school world as well, but I was too naive to notice that.
My true self is what I have always been all along, without all the fantasies and all the worldly desires; I did not need to find my true self, for I've been layering it with... everything.
Everything and anything that I thought would help me in being more socially accepted, in being a more likable human being, in playing a bigger role in a community.
But I had everything I needed to accomplish all that; I just had to get back to square one.
Complete the circle of life periods, which were some really long, really meaningful five years, and start to grow upwards.
If I were a seed and the circle of life periods were roots within the soil, then I have finally managed to shoot out the surface and observe the everlasting sunlight.
I've started my internship, and I've embraced it with my true self, the self that I used to shy away from, and I've never been happier; every interaction and every action felt so natural, and all the friends I've made here are so genuine, which is expected, because for the first time in a long while, I'm genuine.
Each and every one of the life periods I've been through contributed significantly to who I am today; they have matured my pre-2011 self into my current self, a person that can finally embrace the world with honesty and empathy.
With this, if any of you who are reading this personally knows me and have been offended by the turbulence of my previous life periods, I do apologize for all that.
But the roots of my life periods have came full circle and will be stored underneath the surface of the earth for the times to come; these roots, however, have shaped me and supported me as I grow towards the direction of the sun.
But what is my definition of the sun? That'll be answered when and if I have the answer.
Either that or I'll just give up trying to figure out metaphorical stuffs like these and just focus on living the realest life.
Who knows? I might even forget that these roots existed.
But I doubt so, for these roots are parts of the symbolic nature of my life.
I wanted Worded Life IV to be as long as the previous parts; I wanted to beat around the bush before finally expressing my emotions; I wanted a satisfying climax to this phase of life of mine.
But I told myself that there will be no more pretense, for I am now my pre-2011 self, and my pre-2011 self is me.
In my previous blogposts, I used to distance my current self from that of pre-2011, as I deemed that period of my life to be immature, unknowing about "society" and "the world". But the "Lucid Lapse" was a period about me trying to make sense of a realistic life and my fantastical expectations, and to live a new life with that mindset; Melbourne provided me with that opportunity; yet I repeatedly claimed that I was socially exhausted after the whole experience, and I needed time off from society to recuperate. Yet five months have passed and I'm still like... this. Memories of Melbourne turned from beautiful, to bittersweet, to... tiring?
What went wrong?
Was I not already myself during Melbourne? For five years I've been telling myself that I couldn't be my true self as I didn't have the opportunity to live a new life; well that opportunity came at the beginning of this year, so what happened?
Well, I simply overextended past my true self.
I wanted people to know me not for me, but for the "good" qualities of me. I was afraid of showing weaknesses; I was afraid of displaying a different side of me; I tried to avoid any scenarios that would force me to leave the idealized image of myself. These are all warning signs that I was probably masking my true self, but till this day I still maintain that I wasn't masking anything during my time in Melbourne.
It all goes back to the talk about the "heart". I was afraid to leave the idealized image as I have not fully reconciled with my own heart. I do feel more emotions, less indifference, and was way more empathetic than, say, the "Worldly Desire" period, but I know one thing for sure; I wasn't my true self.
But I was close.
The five months after Melbourne were my cooldown periods after a hectic, yet memorable life in Melbourne, and my schedule during those months uncannily resembled that of pre-2011.
During pre-2011, I only had two priorities; complete my coursework and play video games. To some, it's the very definition of a waste of my youth, but to me, that schedule molded me into who I am today.
But the significance of this schedule lies in the reduced priority to socialize and be part of a larger community, which is the antithesis of everything I believed in during the "Worldly Desire" period.
However, I was happy, because for those months I completely stopped thinking and worrying about both people's judgement of me and my role in society.
After all, I just wanted to get good results and play video games, which is the definition of a simple, carefree life, just like my life pre-2011.
Back then, I was a happy-go-lucky kid in a high school world where social hierarchy meant everything.
Now, I am a happy-go-lucky adult in a grown-up world where all you need to find other good hearts is to have a good heart yourself.
Maybe that applied to the high school world as well, but I was too naive to notice that.
My true self is what I have always been all along, without all the fantasies and all the worldly desires; I did not need to find my true self, for I've been layering it with... everything.
Everything and anything that I thought would help me in being more socially accepted, in being a more likable human being, in playing a bigger role in a community.
But I had everything I needed to accomplish all that; I just had to get back to square one.
Complete the circle of life periods, which were some really long, really meaningful five years, and start to grow upwards.
If I were a seed and the circle of life periods were roots within the soil, then I have finally managed to shoot out the surface and observe the everlasting sunlight.
I've started my internship, and I've embraced it with my true self, the self that I used to shy away from, and I've never been happier; every interaction and every action felt so natural, and all the friends I've made here are so genuine, which is expected, because for the first time in a long while, I'm genuine.
Each and every one of the life periods I've been through contributed significantly to who I am today; they have matured my pre-2011 self into my current self, a person that can finally embrace the world with honesty and empathy.
With this, if any of you who are reading this personally knows me and have been offended by the turbulence of my previous life periods, I do apologize for all that.
But the roots of my life periods have came full circle and will be stored underneath the surface of the earth for the times to come; these roots, however, have shaped me and supported me as I grow towards the direction of the sun.
But what is my definition of the sun? That'll be answered when and if I have the answer.
Either that or I'll just give up trying to figure out metaphorical stuffs like these and just focus on living the realest life.
Who knows? I might even forget that these roots existed.
But I doubt so, for these roots are parts of the symbolic nature of my life.
