Silver Line:
Chapter 1: The Suicide of Lysa Black
- This is a work of fiction -
- TRIGGER WARNING: Story contains content that can be disturbing and/or distressing for individuals that are affected by themes of depression, suicide, anxiety, and/or other mental health issues. -
Chapter 1: The Suicide of Lysa Black
- This is a work of fiction -
- TRIGGER WARNING: Story contains content that can be disturbing and/or distressing for individuals that are affected by themes of depression, suicide, anxiety, and/or other mental health issues. -
I sit on the oddly-shaped cushioned chair, slanted inwards in such a way that my knees are higher in space than my bottom. I look around. The office is enveloped in a very deep, very menacing shade of silver, like that of a blade about to commit suicide. Commit? Is suicide even a crime? Should suicide be classified as a crime? People argue that suicide causes the same amount of sadness to the families and friends of the "victim" (who in this case is also the "perpetrator") as that of a murder victim. Yet, how is it a crime to feel so dead, so unmotivated inside, to feel trapped and judged by those inner demons and sentenced to what seems like an eternity of self-hatred and self-abuse? How is it a crime to be convinced by those demons that you are worthless, that no one loves you, that you are unneeded by everyone, that you are a hassle, an unnecessary distraction to the supposedly perfect lives of others? The perpetrator of the "crime" should be the demons, not you, so how is it fair to say that someone "commits" suicide when the one at fault isn't them, but the demons in them?
The same demons are in all of us; it's just a matter of whether we can control them or not, whether we remain unknowing of their existence, or whether we realize and acknowledge their existence, or whether we are overtaken by their brutal, unwavering, life-ending dark power.
It is only right to refer to the act of suicide as someone having "completed" suicide, not "committed" suicide.
And it is only right that I ponder about suicide while waiting for my interview session, as this is not just any company, but this is the world's largest and most influential corporate, with branches in literally every nation and state in the world, whether they're in hundred-story towers like this one, or underground networks operating more similarly to black markets and drug dealers than an esteemed household name. A corporation that controls every single government in this world like puppets, that pulls the strings on every decision and event in this world (they didn't admit it, but they totally perpetrated The Sad Incident at Shuma-Ti Temple), that implants their thoughts and ideas into every single human being, both alive and dead. Everyone loves Silver Line Inc.
Well, I know for certain that the dead love Silver Line, because my great-grandfather, who died before Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver (colloquially shortened to just Her) founded Silver Line, had apparently requested before his death that his tombstone is to marked with the words "A Disloyal Traitor to Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver - Died in agony for forgetting to think of Her at least once a minute". You may think that doesn't make sense, for he probably did not know who Her is back then. You're wrong. Everyone knows Her. You know Her.
My great-grandfather apparently committed suicide as he was overwhelmed with sadness and disappointment for the unforgivable crime of not thinking of her at least once a minute. It's outright treason, and I was and am still not even the tiniest bit affected by my great-grandfather's death. That's why, he did not complete suicide, he committed it. He was a criminal, period.
Every single tombstone in this world is marked with the very same words. Simply put, every dead person's cause of death is the commitment of suicide due to forgetting to think of Her at least once a minute. The crime? Treason; disloyalty; disrespect to Her. This may sound ridiculous, but I know it is true, simply because I think it is true. This may sound cruel, inhumane, and selfish (note the word may, because I clearly do not think like this), but there's a very humane reason behind it, so humane that once you understand the reason, you would kneel on the ground and plead for forgiveness for having unreasonable, stupid suspicions, and that you will never doubt Her and Her reasons ever again. The reason is that Her is able to combat the inner demons within all of us. Her gives us confidence, gives us the strength we need to live, gives us the motivation to work and rest. Her can repress all the self-hatred and self-abuse, simply because Her can. By thinking of Her, people will never complete suicide. One just have to think of Her at least once a minute to rid themselves of their inner demons.
And I am going to meet Her.
The hiring manager greets me. He guides me to an empty meeting room. No windows. Just a heavily-patterned, yet highly-polished white wooden table, a large silver-colored cushioned chair, and a plain white wooden chair on its opposite. I, by instinct, rested myself on the rather hard, yet strangely welcoming wooden chair. The room is all white; from the floor, to the walls, to the ceiling, to the door behind me. Such perfect, stainless white, as if the omnipotent holiness of Her heart is reflected onto all surfaces in this room.
I wait and think.
I wait and think.
The interview was supposed to start at one in the afternoon. I've waited for four hours. It's five now. The sun's probably setting, but it is insignificant, for I am going to get this job. I am going to make Her proud. I am going to be Her loyal servant.
The door screeches open. Her waltzes in. Tall, assisted by her ten-inch silver-lined high heels. Overbearing, with an aura of soothing light, yet a gaze as sharp as a knife. Intimidating, yet ultimately liberating, as one has to earn the right to even look at her close-up, much less having her conduct a one-on-one job interview with you. Her is simply Too Lovingly Beautiful. Her is simply the Lady Magladene Silver.
Her is the perfect embodiment of Silver Line's Four Core Philosophies: Sharp as Silver, Still as Silver, Strong as Silver, Shine like Silver. Sharp, like Her long, silver-polished fingernails that are trimmed at the ends to form pointed ends that resemble the most cunning of all daggers. Still, like Her monumental standing posture, with her right hand holding her silver-shaded purse, and her left hand placed slightly below her lips, sometimes rubbing her chin, as Her is always thinking, always caring about us, always making the world a better place.
"Good evening, Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver. Words simply cannot express my insurmountable gratitude in being given the opportunity to meet you."
I offer a handshake with my right hand. But before I know it, Her is already clenching my right hand, as I feel all five of Her fingers pressing onto my hard, worn-out skin; sinking into it, as my hand suffocates in Her choking grip. I feel as if blood can no longer flow into my right hand, as if my right hand is now Hers. Strong. I feel strong. It is all because of Her.
"Tristan Salvatore. You will sit."
Still recovering from the brutal punishment I very well deserved for underestimating her strength, I rest myself on the wooden chair. Her, however, does not sit on Hers. In fact, it is as if Her does not even acknowledge the presence of the second, more comfortable chair in the room. Her paces around the small, confined area. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. I think, too. I think of Her. I stare at Her and I think of Her. I picture all the wonderful, glorious days of finally fulfilling my dream to become a salesperson for Silver Line's latest product line: SilverPump, a device that solves the world's most crucial, most rampant issue. Fully engineered by Her, it has the potential to increase work productivity and encourage more thinking of Her.
I, however, don't need the device, for I think often, and I think every minute. I am the ideal employee. It is precisely this reason that I will get hired for this job. It is simply because I think, that I will be able to contribute to society in immense proportions.
To celebrate, I'll finally ask Lysa out on a date tonight. She'll be so proud of me.
But there's another concern. Why hasn't Her said a word beyond asking me to sit? Is Her so impressed by my constant thinking that Her is busy thinking of how to properly praise me? Or is Her so disappointed in me that Her is thinking of how to properly lambaste me? Am I good enough for Her? But I am, because I think I am. The act of thinking is absolute, is perfect, and cannot be countered by bullshit scientific theories. As long as we think, we are true.
But I think that I'm overthinking here. That's what Lysa always told me. I think too much. It is not necessary to think of events beyond your control, for all events are always under Her control. We only have to think of Her, and believe Her.
"You will begin working tomorrow."
Um, what?
My mouth reflexively opens, but I immediately force it shut. I have to pretend that I fully expected this, but- No, I fully expected myself to get hired, didn't I? I just didn't expect... nothing. No questions asked, no negotiations about salary and working hours, nothing. I'm in. I'm in. I'm in!
"You will be independent, and seek no supervision, no guidance, and definitely no overtime pay. You will think of me when you work. You will follow and swear by Silver Line's Four Core Philosophies. You will retrieve the SilverPumps directly from the storage office in the 39th floor. You will achieve a minimum of twenty million dollars in sales every week."
"You will work in our corporation until you die. You will die only when I order you to do so."
Sounds like a good deal. The perfect deal. My entire family is working in this corporation. My grandfather is Her personal floor sweeper. My father is Her secretary. My mother is Her personal accountant. I may only be a mere salesperson now, but my dream is to be Her sales manager, and be highly regarded as the person that helped make SilverPump a mandatory device for everyone, me included.
Her heads towards the door. Her turns Her head to the right slightly; Her right eye barely glancing at my visage. She lets out a faint smile.
"Welcome to Silver Line, Tristan Salvatore. May you always shine like silver."
And Her is gone.
I leave the office. I head towards the elevator, going down to the 39th floor. The people in the storage office seemingly recognizes me as the new salesperson, although I have yet to introduce myself nor have I received a name tag. It's probably my intense, focused thinking of Her, a kind of unwavering strength and immovable dedication in thinking that can only be achieved when one is working for Silver Line.
An employee hands me the SilverPump. A small, syringe-like device that fits perfectly in my grip (and my hands aren't that big). I stare at it. I analyze every corner (not that it has many corners), every sharp and curved edge (it doesn't seem to have any sharp edge), every word and their typeface (there's only one word: SilverPump, in plain old Times New Roman, written vertically along the body of the device). As an engineering graduate, one second is all I need to understand the working mechanisms of the device (I mean, anyone could understand it, there's one switch on the side that locks and unlocks the plunger in the top end, which can be pushed inwards).
After asking some questions, I realized that this SilverPump is deemed faulty due to the font size for "SilverPump" being half a size smaller than it should've been, and that it cannot be sold to customers. My eyes sparkle like that of a child thinking of Her, as I get to experiment with the device without any repercussions. I direct the bottom tip of the device towards my left index finger. After flipping the switch, I lightly tap on the plunger with my right thumb. A tiny drop of white ooze leaks out of the tip. It lands on my finger. I wait. I wait while thinking. I think. Her. Her is a genius.
Her is a genius!!
The white ooze, once a liquid that is only slightly more viscous that water, quickly solidifies into what seems like the purest, most beautiful form of silver that leaves a rather permanent-looking mark on my finger. It's not... just a mark... I mean, you really have to see it to believe it, but it's like it transformed the small patch of skin it came into contact with... into silver! It is actually quite painful. Sorry, I was mistaken. It is very painful. I feel as if the silver is directly stimulating all the pain receptors in that area, causing me such an intensely liberating pain that I had to bite my tongue until it bleeds just to distract myself from the pain on my finger. The employees watch me in awe, in shock, in horror, as they have probably never seen the device in action before. One employee walks towards me with a box of tissues to wipe away the waterfall of blood seeping through my teeth. I start to feel dizzy. But I have to think. Think. Think of Her genius. Think of Her intellect. Think of the Philosophies. Sharp as Silver (the pain is like two hundred sharp needles being driven into your skin). Still as Silver (I have to remain still and calm, despite the pain). Strong as Silver (I have to stay strong, so that I can serve Her better). Shine like Silver (this device will make the lives of everyone shine).
Think. Think. Think. Think. Think.
Nothing.
---
I open my eyes. I'm lying on a bed, I think. The room's lights are off. My room. I know because I think that this is my bedroom. I think I blacked out. Was the pain that bad? I mean, my left index finger is still throbbing, but more out of reflex than pain. In fact, I no longer feel pain. I feel numb. The silver is now part of me. It's kind of cool, though. I mean, literally cool, because silver is cooler than skin. I wonder what would Lysa think of this.
Lysa! Oh shit, what time is it?
I reach for the phone still in my pocket. I turn on the screen. 1.50 am. Ah, dammit. Lysa's probably asleep by now. What a bummer. I mean, it's alright, we can still celebrate tomorrow night. What's more important, however, is the message I received from Her.
"Hey Tristan, how are you feeling? It hurts so much, eh? It's solid evidence that my research is fruitful and my device works as intended. As much as I care for your well-being, you will still need to work tomorrow. I reckon that it will not be an issue, as I know that you think of me a lot. I know that you love experiments and playing around with devices, given your engineering background and all, but next time, at least try it on someone else's skin, okay? You, who think of me, will not need to endure such liberating, purifying pain; at least, not yet.
You will take care.
- Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver
P.S. You will read the news tomorrow; it will not be of concern to you."
I think of Her deeply. I thank Her for Her concern for my well-being, and Her continuous motivation for me to work hard and serve Her well.
But screw the news; every day it's the same repetitive shit about people committing suicide because they forget to think of Her at least once a minute. Of course those criminals will commit suicide; how would Her help them chase away their demons if they did not think of Her at least once per minute? Even a child could see that.
Screw it.
---
"SILVER LINE SCIENTIST JUMPS OFF TOWER"
"Lysa Black, 22, who has been newly appointed as a scientist for Silver Line Inc., has committed suicide by jumping off the Silver Line Tower at approximately 3 pm yesterday. Her body is found..."
Um.
Yeah. Every day, the same repetitive shit about people committing suicide.
Because they forget to think of Her at least once a minute.
Lysa? But she's a loyal employee. She is. I know her. I know her too well. I think of her a lot too (of course I think of Her the most). We both attended the Silver Line University together. I was in Engineering, she was in Material Science. We always found time for each other. We loved each other, though mainly as best friends. We promised to never take it a step further until the both of us were Silver Line employees, as if either one or both of us were rejected, we would naturally think about Her less (like all the imbeciles out there that aren't studying or working in Silver Line), and we would naturally commit suicide, as Her will be incapable of driving away our demons. Once the both of us are accepted into Silver Line, we would finally be able to proceed to the next step, spending happy days and nights thinking about Her, marrying each other under Her light, having children that are educated with Her philosophies, and breed generations after generations of successful, demon-free human beings working under Her to make the world a better place but but
but but why?
I don't believe it. I have to see the body.
But they would've taken it away by now. It happened yesterday afternoon, right? When I was waiting for Her. But it's unfair. It's so damn unfair. I'm her best friend. I need proof that she's gone, otherwise she isn't. I refuse to believe the news. They're bullshit. Liars. A conspiracy theory. The world is going to shit.
I call her number.
"... T-t-tristan...?"
I fling my phone across the room. It's her sister.
How?
Howhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhow
Why would she forget to think of Her at least once a minute??
She's a criminal! She's a liar! What about all those pinky promises we made last time? We swore to never forget to think of Her; we swore to always seek Her wisdom, Her strength; we swore to always stick by Silver Line's Four Core Philosophies...
What the fuck?
No. It will not be of my concern. That was an order from Her. Lysa's gone, but she is no longer my best friend, for she broke our promise, she broke the Philosophies
and she broke my heart.
---
"SilverPump is not just any product, it is a world-changing solution, meticulously designed by Her, after countless sleepless nights spent thinking about the world. These days, things are happening in this world and it has become a severe problem, so severe that Her worryingly thinks about this problem every passing second. It is a problem that will not have occurred if we human beings are spotless, stainless beings without sin, but we are prone to sin, for we are not Her, and such a dreadful sin it is to forget to think of Her at least once a minute! Such criminals we are, not to any law or regulation, but to ourselves, for not thinking of her at least once a minute will encourage our inner demons to suffocate our willpower, to drain us of our loyalty to Her, to sway us from the path of life! In such an event, many resort to inconvenient means, which distracts floor sweepers from their sacred duty of sweeping floors, as they will be forced to spend copious amount of time wiping, cleansing, and purifying the crimson red filth and the pungent criminal shell left behind! But worst of all, the criminal will have left without being purified and liberated by Her! They will not be able to continue working for Silver Line in the Pitch, as they are sinful and their souls will be banished once they take a single step into the Pitch! As much as they are criminals, they must be given a chance to repent for their sins through a Too Lovingly Beautiful purification ritual! They have human rights too! We must rise up and fight for their rights! This is Her plan!!"
"You done?"
"Not quite. Her plan is to give a chance fo-"
"Alright shut the fuck up. So, basically, what you're selling is a device that assists in suicide without making a whole bloody mess, and it's supposed to be fucking painful and shit, right? I'll buy five of those, one for each member of my family. I'll buy another one when my youngest daughter turns two next year."
"Why, thank you for your understanding of Her plans and for always thinking of Her! We at Silver Line are truly humbled by your contribution to the continuous success of the human race under Her guidance! To use the device, first point the bottom tip towards your mouth. Then flip the switch to unlock the plunger. Then push the plu-"
"Gosh, will you shut up already? It's simple as shit, who the fuck wouldn't know how to use it?! And no, I honestly don't care about your shitty corporation, nor do I care about that dumbfuck Magladene. She's a fucking lunatic, and you fools are the only ones blind to that. I just need it because I want my whole family to be able to enter the Pitch once we die, that's all. Serve Silver Line my ass! We serve Shuma-Ti, and she too commanded us to repent for our sins through purifying and liberating pain. I just feel that the SilverPump is the least messy way to get the job done, that's all. Stop thinking that it's all about yourselves, morons!"
---
I lie on my bed. I think. I think of Her. I think about my achievements today. Hmm, fifty devices sold. With each device costing fifty thousand dollars, I've made two-and-a-half million dollars in sales today. This is not good. If I make the same amount every day, I would not be able to hit the twenty million dollars sales target by the end of this week. It's tiring. I need to change my approach. Especially with those fuckers who pray to Shuma-Ti. Like, curse all of you. Her is angered by your decision to not think of Her. You think some fantastical shit with angelic wings, spitting out some insipidly "inspiring" story and some jackass revelations will help you? That's precisely why suicide rates among non-Silver Line associates are the highest. Because Her cannot help you if you do not think of Her at least once a minute.
Just look at what happened to poor, poor Lysa...
Now I can't even celebrate my achievement of finally getting to work in Silver Line with her. All thanks to you fucks out there and your Shuma-Ti crap! That's right. Maybe you fucks brainwashed her into not thinking about Her. Maybe you fucks kidnapped and forced her to stray away from Her! Yeah, it's not her fault, it's yours! May Her banish you from ever entering the Pitch!
May Lysa rest in peace in the Pitch...
But, how could she? Her is not known to be forgiving. Her is not known for offering a chance for repentance. That's why the SilverPump is a revolution for her and the world! People like Lysa, who is a criminal but an understandable one as we humans are sinful before Her, deserves a second chance!
But LYSA IS NOT A CRIMINAL
Lysa... How could you? You betrayed Her... Fine. But you betrayed me. Why did you forget to think of Her? Why did you commit such an unforgivable crime, after watching your parents do the same?
Why... did you leave me?
Is there anything... anything at all that I could have done?
I know Her is the only one capable of truly rescuing you from your demons, but I'm a friend too... Your best friend... You could've told me what you were feeling, you know...? Even if you say that your faith towards Her is wavering, you know I wouldn't hate you, don't you...?
---
Two days ago. Evening.
"Tristan, what do you think of our inner demons?"
"I thought we've talked about this a lot of times before, Lysa. Maybe you just like hearing my voice? Maybe you like to watch the way my mouth moves when I speak such wise truth about the world, about Her, about Silver Line?"
"I mean, seriously. You only need to think of Her once every minute, so you can spend the other fifty-nine seconds speaking what is true to you. Not like I would like to go against Her or anything... but I want to feel like I'm talking to Tristan Salvatore, not a Silver Line University graduate."
"But... Lysa, why are you acting so... strange? I mean, you've been strange for a while now, raising topics about inner demons and stuffs. I'm not doubting your loyalty to Her, but is work stress getting to you? You can always tell me your concerns, you know."
"Yeah, that's my concern. Tell me the truth. Can Her really chase away our inner demons?"
"Alright... Just for you Lysa, I'll tell you the truth. Yes, Her can help us suppress our inner demons, Her can help us confine our inner demons to a small space, I would call it a mini prison, and never let them out. Most importantly, Her can help us hide from the world from the embarrassment of having our personal demons, and-- H-hey, Lysa, why are you tearing up?"
"Y-you just said it yourself... Ss-sup...press, h-hide... from the world? Do you know what the hell are you talking about? Em-embarrass...ment? Is it very embarrassing to feel so unmotivated inside, t-to feel trapped and judged by those... inner demons and sentenced to what seems like an eternity of self-hatred... a-and self-abuse? How is it em-embarrassing to be convinced b-by those demons that you are worthless... that n-no one... loves you, that you are unneeded by everyone, that you are a h-hassle, an unnecessary distraction t-to the supposedly perfect lives of others? How?!"
"I... I..."
"Yes... I'm sad, I'm dying inside, I have my inner demons, but I told you all that because you're my friend! You're the person I trust the most! You used to be so smart, so radical, so reasonable... but what now?! And to think that you, out of all people, would think that what I'm feeling right now is... fake."
"I'm not saying that you're lying to me! I fully understand your situation, that's why it is very important that you think of Her at le-"
"GO TO HELL!! If you truly understood me, you wouldn't have uttered such... bullshit to me! You would've never asked me to keep my demons to myself... If you truly understood me... You want to help me, to fight these inner demons, to tell me that you care, to promise me that you'll be there for me... At the very least... you can just...
... make me feel that I'm loved."
---
Two days ago. Night.
"Sorry about today, just ignore everything I've said. Good night. May you forever think of Her."
"It's okay... Luckily it was me... It'll be embarrassing to show that side of yours to others... Good night. May you forever think of Her."
---
Yesterday. Afternoon. Before Interview.
"Oh, you're finding Lysa Black? She left work a few minutes ago. She didn't seem like the happiest person in the world. Maybe you can go have a word with her?"
"Yeah, I will. I actually plan to go on a date with her tonight. Finally taking it to the next step. Hopefully she manages to solve her problems before then. I'm sure Her will help."
"Problems don't magically go away, Tristan, my old friend. Her may be all-seeing, but some problems require a certain degree of humanity to solve; and we know damn well that Her is probably the furthest away from a human being as one can get."
"Nah, don't worry, she'll be fine. She's strong. She'll find a way to get through it. I'm sure she wouldn't want to embarrass herself while doing her job, would she?"
---
You did tell me what you were feeling...
How was I so blind...? I could've saved her. I could've at least tried to understand her, even though I don't truly comprehend her lack of belief towards Her supernatural abilities. I could at least pretend...
She would've been alive today... We could've celebrated my job offer together...
But she's a criminal
SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP
She forgot to think about Her at least once a minu
She's I'm an embarrassment.
I could've saved her. I didn't. It was my fault.
She's gone.
Life goes on.
---
"The SilverPump? The technology for that was developed by... Lysa Black... I'm... I'm sorry for what happened to her..."
"No,the criminal she did not develop the technology. The SilverPump was fully conceptualized, designed, and realized by Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Ma-"
"Oh, for crying out loud! Tristan, my old friend, how many times do I need to tell you? Her has never once developed anything! All of Her 'inventions' were just developed under Her name, giving Her full credit and allowing Her to reap one-hundred percent of the profits. Her is nothing without Her scientists."
"You're wrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwro"
"Hey, calm down, buddy. I know Lysa's passing is taking its toll on you, but there's nothing we can do to bring her back. I may not know her as well as you do, but remember that you are speaking with a fellow scientist of Silver Line. I know what's going on behind the scenes. You know it, too; you just chose to deny it. I can't blame you, though; your family's been harsh on you with those Silver Line philosophies and stuff..."
I feel the blood rushing upwards, gushing into my brain. I clench my fists so tight I think I feel blood. I bite my tongue on the same spot as last time, reopening the scar that has begun healing. I sink my teeth deeper, as I am overwhelmed by the metallic, yet strangely satisfying taste of my own blood. Unlike last time, I am not doing this to distract myself from physical pain.
But I think my heart hurts
badly
I feel warmth. There is no blood. At least, none on my hands and tongue. I d-don't know. I'm quite... lost. I'm very... l-lost
"There, there, my old friend. Let it all out... Scream and cry out all those pent-up emotions inside you... I'm sure life is hard over there, in the mysterious place we all call the heart..."
W-why
I don't
why am i sad
it's embarrassing
"I may not be able to fully understand your pain. I may not be able to fully grasp the chaos in your mind, in your heart. I may not be as close of a friend to you as Lysa was... But I'm here for you... alright? The world is harsh, I know..."
no get away from me
get away
GET AWAY
please...........................
i dont deserve this
i dont deserve you
im an embarrassment
arent you embarrassed too
to be pitying an ass like me
"Tristan Salvatore... Please remember... Always remember... No matter what happens, friends love each other and friends need each other. So please... I'm here for you, and I'm damn sure all my friends in the Science department are here for you too..."
"Oh poor, poor Lysa... Her absence ripples across the entire department; even other departments felt it too. She has only been working here for two weeks, yet she was the sweetest, the most down-to-earth, the most talented human being... She was always so happy, so uplifting... Yet, we all sensed that there was something she was hiding; it's like a large, heavy box of darkness, dark thoughts, fears, anxieties, neatly packed and labelled, yet threaten to break out of her at any time... We tried to help her. We really, really did... She felt so, so much like a happier person two days ago... We're sorry, Tristan; it is our fault..."
it is my fault
if not for methe criminal she wouldn't have died
all i needed to do
was to
just
This may sound cruel, inhumane, and selfish (note the word may, because I clearly do not think like this), but there's a very humane reason behind it, so humane that once you understand the reason, you would kneel on the ground and plead for forgiveness for having unreasonable, stupid suspicions, and that you will never doubt Her and Her reasons ever again. The reason is that Her is able to combat the inner demons within all of us. Her gives us confidence, gives us the strength we need to live, gives us the motivation to work and rest. Her can repress all the self-hatred and self-abuse, simply because Her can. By thinking of Her, people will never complete suicide. One just have to think of Her at least once a minute to rid themselves of their inner demons.This may sound cruel, inhumane, and selfish (note the word may, because I clearly do not think like this), but there's a very humane reason behind it, so humane that once you understand the reason, you would kneel on the ground and plead for forgiveness for having unreasonable, stupid suspicions, and that you will never doubt Her and Her reasons ever again. The reason is that Her is able to combat the inner demons within all of us. Her gives us confidence, gives us the strength we need to live, gives us the motivation to work and rest. Her can repress all the self-hatred and self-abuse, simply because Her can. By thinking of Her, people will never complete suicide. One just have to think of Her at least once a minute to rid themselves of their inner demons.This may sound cruel, inhumane, and selfish (note the word may, because I clearly do not think like this), but there's a very humane reason behind it, so humane that once you understand the reason, you would kneel on the ground and plead for forgiveness for having unreasonable, stupid suspicions, and that you will never doubt Her and Her reasons ever again. The reason is that Her is able to combat the inner demons within all of us. Her gives us confidence, gives us the strength we need to live, gives us the motivation to work and rest. Her can repress all the self-hatred and self-abuse, simply because Her can. By thinking of Her, people will never complete suicide. One just have to think of Her at least once a minute to rid themselves of their inner demons.This may sound cruel, inhumane, and selfish (note the word may, because I clearly do not think like this), but there's a very humane reason behind it, so humane that once you understand the reason, you would kneel on the ground and plead for forgiveness for having unreasonable, stupid suspicions, and that you will never doubt Her and Her reasons ever again. The reason is that Her is able to combat the inner demons within all of us. Her gives us confidence, gives us the strength we need to live, gives us the motivation to work and rest. Her can repress all the self-hatred and self-abuse, simply because Her can. By thinking of Her, people will never complete suicide. One just have to think of Her at least once a minute to rid themselves of their inner demons.This may sound cruel, inhumane, and selfish (note the word may, because I clearly do not think like this), but there's a very humane reason behind it, so humane that once you understand the reason, you would kneel on the ground and plead for forgiveness for having unreasonable, stupid suspicions, and that you will never doubt Her and Her reasons ever again. The reason is that Her is able to combat the inner demons within all of us. Her gives us confidence, gives us the strength we need to live, gives us the motivation to work and rest. Her can repress all the self-hatred and self-abuse, simply because Her can. By thinking of Her, people will never complete suicide. One just have to think of Her at least once a minute to rid themselves of their inner demons.This may sound cruel, inhumane, and selfish (note the word may, because I clearly do not think like this), but there's a very humane reason behind it, so humane that once you understand the reason, you would kneel on the ground and plead for forgiveness for having unreasonable, stupid suspicions, and that you will never doubt Her and Her reasons ever again. The reason is that Her is able to combat the inner demons within all of us. Her gives us confidence, gives us the strength we need to live, gives us the motivation to work and rest. Her can repress all the self-hatred and self-abuse, simply because Her can. By thinking of Her, people will never complete suicide. One just have to think of Her at least once a minute to rid themselves of their inner demons.
make her feel that
she's loved
cause i really
really
really love her
i... i...
---
"You have achieved last week's sales target. You merely achieved it, not surpassed it. Four hundred SilverPumps should not be hard to sell. However, as this is only the first week of your job, I will forgive you. You will surpass this target by at least forty-percent next week. You will report to me only when you have done so, otherwise you will leave this corporation on your own will."
"I am truly sorry, Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver... I will improve next week."
"Good."
"You know, Tristan, I've been wondering. Has the death of the immoral, disloyal, treacherous criminal Lysa Black been of concern to you? For this time, and this time only, I permit you to speak the truth from your heart."
i feel nothing
"It has not been even the slightest bit of concern to me, Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver. I assure you of that."
i feel nothing
"You know, Tristan, you truly are my greatest employee. I heard she was going to be your girlfriend? Oh, it must have hurt you so badly when you read the news that day. Yet, you stayed as Sharp as Silver, as Still as Silver, as Strong as Silver, and that's why you will Shine like Silver. I would've humbly granted you a five-minute break from thinking about me at least once a minute, so that you could properly grieve for her. I am also willing to overlook any regulations that restrict you from grieving for the death of criminal scums like her, simply because I like you, Tristan Salvatore. You are the ideal employee. You are the ideal salesperson. You truly deserve to carry her legacy, in the form of the SilverPump."
i feel nothi
"She was smart, strong, and seemed like a fun person for her colleagues to hang around with. She, like everyone in this world, had her inner demons. She, like everyone who struggle with their inner demons, began to doubt my ability to drive away those demons by thinking of me at least once a minute."
"Then, she stopped thinking about me. I know that because she actually had the galls to confront me about me. I praise her for that. The world needs people like her."
"Of course, I had to reeducate her. I gave her an hour-long lecture. I thought she has recovered. I thought she has finally believed in me again."
"After she left, I was just about to head to the meeting room to conduct the job interview with you. Yet, I thought that something was amiss. So I walked past the meeting room and took the elevator up to the rooftop."
"She was standing there, alone."
i feel not
"Oh, Tristan, my darling, you should've seen her that time; her whole body was trembling like there's been an earthquake! She was standing at the edge, shaking, as if she was struggling on her decision. She needed help, Tristan! She needed my help!"
i fe
"I slowly approached her. She stopped trembling, not because she sensed me, but because she has made her decision. She stepped back from the edge. Another step back. One more. She turned around."
"She was a survivor, Tristan. At that edge, she has managed to combat and tame her inner demons, without my help! When she turned around, she was smiling. She was thinking of her future. She was thinking of her future with you! And then she saw me."
"So of course I ran into her and pushed her off the tower."
i
"Perhaps I wasn't that strong... She flew backwards; half of her feet were on the edge, and half were supported by nothing but air. She slipped. Her hands flailed forward. She fell off. But by some miracle of physics, her fingers managed to grip the edge, as her body and legs dangled in midair. It was such a pitiful sight, Tristan! Her fingers could have never lifted her entire body weight up. It was a hopeless situation, Tristan! I estimated that it would be less than a minute before her fingers gave in."
"Of course, Tristan, I wanted to end the criminal's suffering! She suffered enough. So I smashed my foot onto her fingers so hard they bled. I think I heard bones break. But it didn't matter, because she was flying, I tell you, flying!"
"I was so glad you were in the soundproof meeting room at that time. Everyone heard her screams. People inside the tower heard it! It was particularly torturous for me, however, as I wasn't shielded by windows, by doors and walls and whatnot. It actually temporarily deafened me."
"And you seemed to wonder why I didn't ask you any questions, eh?"
"However, that's all in the past now, you will take a good night's rest, a
---
I stand on the rooftop.
I stare at the horizon.
The sunset. The warm glow is slowly sinking.
Sinking, and it will be night.
It will be a sky filled with darkness.
I wonder, Lysa, how are you doing over there?
Yes, over there.
Where? I don't know. The Pitch? Heaven? Hell? I don't know.
But she's gone.
That's all that matters.
What is this world?
What is this...
This piece of shit world, piece of shit corporation, piece of shit
MAGLADENE SILVER
hopeless
she'll fire my parents for what i did in her office just now
thrashing her furniture
smashing her monitor with my bare fists
biting the carpet
punching her face
i take it back
she'll kill my parents
i hear sirens
from one hundred floors above ground
is that even possible
but i hear it
so i think
its possible
i think
that this is it
i think
i deserve all this
i think
about
lysa
my darling
my best friend
how happy we would've been
we will be the perfect
couple
we will
explore the world together
away from this
poison
they'll be here any minute
i think
about
lysa
i think about her
for one minute
two minutes
five minutes
what could have been of us?
i flip the switch
i press the plunger
and i swallow all of it
purifying
liberating
free from her
freed by her
lysa, wait for me
---
Five days later.
"I'm sorry if I seem rude or immoral, Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver, but haven't you killed too many good employees already?"
"I never directly killed him. All I used were words. He brought his own death by himself, simply because he has forgotten to think of me at least once a minute. My words merely completed his suicide."
"Yes, precisely. Words can be strong too, you know?"
"You will shut your idiotic mouth! Are you stupid or are you just plain ignorant? Of course words are strong, you brainless fool! Isn't that the most obvious thing in the world? All the talk about how people's inner demons will cause them to commit suicide if they don't think of me at least once a minute? All are just words I told them. I know the power of words more than you do, more than anyone do. But mark my words, their deaths will not be in vain. I have plans. And I will see them through their ends."
Her is the perfect embodiment of Silver Line's Four Core Philosophies: Sharp as Silver, Still as Silver, Strong as Silver, Shine like Silver. Sharp, like Her long, silver-polished fingernails that are trimmed at the ends to form pointed ends that resemble the most cunning of all daggers. Still, like Her monumental standing posture, with her right hand holding her silver-shaded purse, and her left hand placed slightly below her lips, sometimes rubbing her chin, as Her is always thinking, always caring about us, always making the world a better place.
"Good evening, Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver. Words simply cannot express my insurmountable gratitude in being given the opportunity to meet you."
I offer a handshake with my right hand. But before I know it, Her is already clenching my right hand, as I feel all five of Her fingers pressing onto my hard, worn-out skin; sinking into it, as my hand suffocates in Her choking grip. I feel as if blood can no longer flow into my right hand, as if my right hand is now Hers. Strong. I feel strong. It is all because of Her.
"Tristan Salvatore. You will sit."
Still recovering from the brutal punishment I very well deserved for underestimating her strength, I rest myself on the wooden chair. Her, however, does not sit on Hers. In fact, it is as if Her does not even acknowledge the presence of the second, more comfortable chair in the room. Her paces around the small, confined area. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. I think, too. I think of Her. I stare at Her and I think of Her. I picture all the wonderful, glorious days of finally fulfilling my dream to become a salesperson for Silver Line's latest product line: SilverPump, a device that solves the world's most crucial, most rampant issue. Fully engineered by Her, it has the potential to increase work productivity and encourage more thinking of Her.
I, however, don't need the device, for I think often, and I think every minute. I am the ideal employee. It is precisely this reason that I will get hired for this job. It is simply because I think, that I will be able to contribute to society in immense proportions.
To celebrate, I'll finally ask Lysa out on a date tonight. She'll be so proud of me.
But there's another concern. Why hasn't Her said a word beyond asking me to sit? Is Her so impressed by my constant thinking that Her is busy thinking of how to properly praise me? Or is Her so disappointed in me that Her is thinking of how to properly lambaste me? Am I good enough for Her? But I am, because I think I am. The act of thinking is absolute, is perfect, and cannot be countered by bullshit scientific theories. As long as we think, we are true.
But I think that I'm overthinking here. That's what Lysa always told me. I think too much. It is not necessary to think of events beyond your control, for all events are always under Her control. We only have to think of Her, and believe Her.
"You will begin working tomorrow."
Um, what?
My mouth reflexively opens, but I immediately force it shut. I have to pretend that I fully expected this, but- No, I fully expected myself to get hired, didn't I? I just didn't expect... nothing. No questions asked, no negotiations about salary and working hours, nothing. I'm in. I'm in. I'm in!
"You will be independent, and seek no supervision, no guidance, and definitely no overtime pay. You will think of me when you work. You will follow and swear by Silver Line's Four Core Philosophies. You will retrieve the SilverPumps directly from the storage office in the 39th floor. You will achieve a minimum of twenty million dollars in sales every week."
"You will work in our corporation until you die. You will die only when I order you to do so."
Sounds like a good deal. The perfect deal. My entire family is working in this corporation. My grandfather is Her personal floor sweeper. My father is Her secretary. My mother is Her personal accountant. I may only be a mere salesperson now, but my dream is to be Her sales manager, and be highly regarded as the person that helped make SilverPump a mandatory device for everyone, me included.
Her heads towards the door. Her turns Her head to the right slightly; Her right eye barely glancing at my visage. She lets out a faint smile.
"Welcome to Silver Line, Tristan Salvatore. May you always shine like silver."
And Her is gone.
I leave the office. I head towards the elevator, going down to the 39th floor. The people in the storage office seemingly recognizes me as the new salesperson, although I have yet to introduce myself nor have I received a name tag. It's probably my intense, focused thinking of Her, a kind of unwavering strength and immovable dedication in thinking that can only be achieved when one is working for Silver Line.
An employee hands me the SilverPump. A small, syringe-like device that fits perfectly in my grip (and my hands aren't that big). I stare at it. I analyze every corner (not that it has many corners), every sharp and curved edge (it doesn't seem to have any sharp edge), every word and their typeface (there's only one word: SilverPump, in plain old Times New Roman, written vertically along the body of the device). As an engineering graduate, one second is all I need to understand the working mechanisms of the device (I mean, anyone could understand it, there's one switch on the side that locks and unlocks the plunger in the top end, which can be pushed inwards).
After asking some questions, I realized that this SilverPump is deemed faulty due to the font size for "SilverPump" being half a size smaller than it should've been, and that it cannot be sold to customers. My eyes sparkle like that of a child thinking of Her, as I get to experiment with the device without any repercussions. I direct the bottom tip of the device towards my left index finger. After flipping the switch, I lightly tap on the plunger with my right thumb. A tiny drop of white ooze leaks out of the tip. It lands on my finger. I wait. I wait while thinking. I think. Her. Her is a genius.
Her is a genius!!
The white ooze, once a liquid that is only slightly more viscous that water, quickly solidifies into what seems like the purest, most beautiful form of silver that leaves a rather permanent-looking mark on my finger. It's not... just a mark... I mean, you really have to see it to believe it, but it's like it transformed the small patch of skin it came into contact with... into silver! It is actually quite painful. Sorry, I was mistaken. It is very painful. I feel as if the silver is directly stimulating all the pain receptors in that area, causing me such an intensely liberating pain that I had to bite my tongue until it bleeds just to distract myself from the pain on my finger. The employees watch me in awe, in shock, in horror, as they have probably never seen the device in action before. One employee walks towards me with a box of tissues to wipe away the waterfall of blood seeping through my teeth. I start to feel dizzy. But I have to think. Think. Think of Her genius. Think of Her intellect. Think of the Philosophies. Sharp as Silver (the pain is like two hundred sharp needles being driven into your skin). Still as Silver (I have to remain still and calm, despite the pain). Strong as Silver (I have to stay strong, so that I can serve Her better). Shine like Silver (this device will make the lives of everyone shine).
Think. Think. Think. Think. Think.
Nothing.
---
I open my eyes. I'm lying on a bed, I think. The room's lights are off. My room. I know because I think that this is my bedroom. I think I blacked out. Was the pain that bad? I mean, my left index finger is still throbbing, but more out of reflex than pain. In fact, I no longer feel pain. I feel numb. The silver is now part of me. It's kind of cool, though. I mean, literally cool, because silver is cooler than skin. I wonder what would Lysa think of this.
Lysa! Oh shit, what time is it?
I reach for the phone still in my pocket. I turn on the screen. 1.50 am. Ah, dammit. Lysa's probably asleep by now. What a bummer. I mean, it's alright, we can still celebrate tomorrow night. What's more important, however, is the message I received from Her.
"Hey Tristan, how are you feeling? It hurts so much, eh? It's solid evidence that my research is fruitful and my device works as intended. As much as I care for your well-being, you will still need to work tomorrow. I reckon that it will not be an issue, as I know that you think of me a lot. I know that you love experiments and playing around with devices, given your engineering background and all, but next time, at least try it on someone else's skin, okay? You, who think of me, will not need to endure such liberating, purifying pain; at least, not yet.
You will take care.
- Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver
P.S. You will read the news tomorrow; it will not be of concern to you."
I think of Her deeply. I thank Her for Her concern for my well-being, and Her continuous motivation for me to work hard and serve Her well.
But screw the news; every day it's the same repetitive shit about people committing suicide because they forget to think of Her at least once a minute. Of course those criminals will commit suicide; how would Her help them chase away their demons if they did not think of Her at least once per minute? Even a child could see that.
Screw it.
---
"SILVER LINE SCIENTIST JUMPS OFF TOWER"
"Lysa Black, 22, who has been newly appointed as a scientist for Silver Line Inc., has committed suicide by jumping off the Silver Line Tower at approximately 3 pm yesterday. Her body is found..."
Um.
Yeah. Every day, the same repetitive shit about people committing suicide.
Because they forget to think of Her at least once a minute.
Lysa? But she's a loyal employee. She is. I know her. I know her too well. I think of her a lot too (of course I think of Her the most). We both attended the Silver Line University together. I was in Engineering, she was in Material Science. We always found time for each other. We loved each other, though mainly as best friends. We promised to never take it a step further until the both of us were Silver Line employees, as if either one or both of us were rejected, we would naturally think about Her less (like all the imbeciles out there that aren't studying or working in Silver Line), and we would naturally commit suicide, as Her will be incapable of driving away our demons. Once the both of us are accepted into Silver Line, we would finally be able to proceed to the next step, spending happy days and nights thinking about Her, marrying each other under Her light, having children that are educated with Her philosophies, and breed generations after generations of successful, demon-free human beings working under Her to make the world a better place but but
but but why?
I don't believe it. I have to see the body.
But they would've taken it away by now. It happened yesterday afternoon, right? When I was waiting for Her. But it's unfair. It's so damn unfair. I'm her best friend. I need proof that she's gone, otherwise she isn't. I refuse to believe the news. They're bullshit. Liars. A conspiracy theory. The world is going to shit.
I call her number.
"... T-t-tristan...?"
I fling my phone across the room. It's her sister.
How?
Howhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhow
Why would she forget to think of Her at least once a minute??
She's a criminal! She's a liar! What about all those pinky promises we made last time? We swore to never forget to think of Her; we swore to always seek Her wisdom, Her strength; we swore to always stick by Silver Line's Four Core Philosophies...
What the fuck?
No. It will not be of my concern. That was an order from Her. Lysa's gone, but she is no longer my best friend, for she broke our promise, she broke the Philosophies
and she broke my heart.
---
"SilverPump is not just any product, it is a world-changing solution, meticulously designed by Her, after countless sleepless nights spent thinking about the world. These days, things are happening in this world and it has become a severe problem, so severe that Her worryingly thinks about this problem every passing second. It is a problem that will not have occurred if we human beings are spotless, stainless beings without sin, but we are prone to sin, for we are not Her, and such a dreadful sin it is to forget to think of Her at least once a minute! Such criminals we are, not to any law or regulation, but to ourselves, for not thinking of her at least once a minute will encourage our inner demons to suffocate our willpower, to drain us of our loyalty to Her, to sway us from the path of life! In such an event, many resort to inconvenient means, which distracts floor sweepers from their sacred duty of sweeping floors, as they will be forced to spend copious amount of time wiping, cleansing, and purifying the crimson red filth and the pungent criminal shell left behind! But worst of all, the criminal will have left without being purified and liberated by Her! They will not be able to continue working for Silver Line in the Pitch, as they are sinful and their souls will be banished once they take a single step into the Pitch! As much as they are criminals, they must be given a chance to repent for their sins through a Too Lovingly Beautiful purification ritual! They have human rights too! We must rise up and fight for their rights! This is Her plan!!"
"You done?"
"Not quite. Her plan is to give a chance fo-"
"Alright shut the fuck up. So, basically, what you're selling is a device that assists in suicide without making a whole bloody mess, and it's supposed to be fucking painful and shit, right? I'll buy five of those, one for each member of my family. I'll buy another one when my youngest daughter turns two next year."
"Why, thank you for your understanding of Her plans and for always thinking of Her! We at Silver Line are truly humbled by your contribution to the continuous success of the human race under Her guidance! To use the device, first point the bottom tip towards your mouth. Then flip the switch to unlock the plunger. Then push the plu-"
"Gosh, will you shut up already? It's simple as shit, who the fuck wouldn't know how to use it?! And no, I honestly don't care about your shitty corporation, nor do I care about that dumbfuck Magladene. She's a fucking lunatic, and you fools are the only ones blind to that. I just need it because I want my whole family to be able to enter the Pitch once we die, that's all. Serve Silver Line my ass! We serve Shuma-Ti, and she too commanded us to repent for our sins through purifying and liberating pain. I just feel that the SilverPump is the least messy way to get the job done, that's all. Stop thinking that it's all about yourselves, morons!"
---
I lie on my bed. I think. I think of Her. I think about my achievements today. Hmm, fifty devices sold. With each device costing fifty thousand dollars, I've made two-and-a-half million dollars in sales today. This is not good. If I make the same amount every day, I would not be able to hit the twenty million dollars sales target by the end of this week. It's tiring. I need to change my approach. Especially with those fuckers who pray to Shuma-Ti. Like, curse all of you. Her is angered by your decision to not think of Her. You think some fantastical shit with angelic wings, spitting out some insipidly "inspiring" story and some jackass revelations will help you? That's precisely why suicide rates among non-Silver Line associates are the highest. Because Her cannot help you if you do not think of Her at least once a minute.
Just look at what happened to poor, poor Lysa...
Now I can't even celebrate my achievement of finally getting to work in Silver Line with her. All thanks to you fucks out there and your Shuma-Ti crap! That's right. Maybe you fucks brainwashed her into not thinking about Her. Maybe you fucks kidnapped and forced her to stray away from Her! Yeah, it's not her fault, it's yours! May Her banish you from ever entering the Pitch!
May Lysa rest in peace in the Pitch...
But, how could she? Her is not known to be forgiving. Her is not known for offering a chance for repentance. That's why the SilverPump is a revolution for her and the world! People like Lysa, who is a criminal but an understandable one as we humans are sinful before Her, deserves a second chance!
But LYSA IS NOT A CRIMINAL
Lysa... How could you? You betrayed Her... Fine. But you betrayed me. Why did you forget to think of Her? Why did you commit such an unforgivable crime, after watching your parents do the same?
Why... did you leave me?
Is there anything... anything at all that I could have done?
I know Her is the only one capable of truly rescuing you from your demons, but I'm a friend too... Your best friend... You could've told me what you were feeling, you know...? Even if you say that your faith towards Her is wavering, you know I wouldn't hate you, don't you...?
---
Two days ago. Evening.
"Tristan, what do you think of our inner demons?"
"I thought we've talked about this a lot of times before, Lysa. Maybe you just like hearing my voice? Maybe you like to watch the way my mouth moves when I speak such wise truth about the world, about Her, about Silver Line?"
"I mean, seriously. You only need to think of Her once every minute, so you can spend the other fifty-nine seconds speaking what is true to you. Not like I would like to go against Her or anything... but I want to feel like I'm talking to Tristan Salvatore, not a Silver Line University graduate."
"But... Lysa, why are you acting so... strange? I mean, you've been strange for a while now, raising topics about inner demons and stuffs. I'm not doubting your loyalty to Her, but is work stress getting to you? You can always tell me your concerns, you know."
"Yeah, that's my concern. Tell me the truth. Can Her really chase away our inner demons?"
"Alright... Just for you Lysa, I'll tell you the truth. Yes, Her can help us suppress our inner demons, Her can help us confine our inner demons to a small space, I would call it a mini prison, and never let them out. Most importantly, Her can help us hide from the world from the embarrassment of having our personal demons, and-- H-hey, Lysa, why are you tearing up?"
"Y-you just said it yourself... Ss-sup...press, h-hide... from the world? Do you know what the hell are you talking about? Em-embarrass...ment? Is it very embarrassing to feel so unmotivated inside, t-to feel trapped and judged by those... inner demons and sentenced to what seems like an eternity of self-hatred... a-and self-abuse? How is it em-embarrassing to be convinced b-by those demons that you are worthless... that n-no one... loves you, that you are unneeded by everyone, that you are a h-hassle, an unnecessary distraction t-to the supposedly perfect lives of others? How?!"
"I... I..."
"Yes... I'm sad, I'm dying inside, I have my inner demons, but I told you all that because you're my friend! You're the person I trust the most! You used to be so smart, so radical, so reasonable... but what now?! And to think that you, out of all people, would think that what I'm feeling right now is... fake."
"I'm not saying that you're lying to me! I fully understand your situation, that's why it is very important that you think of Her at le-"
"GO TO HELL!! If you truly understood me, you wouldn't have uttered such... bullshit to me! You would've never asked me to keep my demons to myself... If you truly understood me... You want to help me, to fight these inner demons, to tell me that you care, to promise me that you'll be there for me... At the very least... you can just...
... make me feel that I'm loved."
---
Two days ago. Night.
"Sorry about today, just ignore everything I've said. Good night. May you forever think of Her."
"It's okay... Luckily it was me... It'll be embarrassing to show that side of yours to others... Good night. May you forever think of Her."
---
Yesterday. Afternoon. Before Interview.
"Oh, you're finding Lysa Black? She left work a few minutes ago. She didn't seem like the happiest person in the world. Maybe you can go have a word with her?"
"Yeah, I will. I actually plan to go on a date with her tonight. Finally taking it to the next step. Hopefully she manages to solve her problems before then. I'm sure Her will help."
"Problems don't magically go away, Tristan, my old friend. Her may be all-seeing, but some problems require a certain degree of humanity to solve; and we know damn well that Her is probably the furthest away from a human being as one can get."
"Nah, don't worry, she'll be fine. She's strong. She'll find a way to get through it. I'm sure she wouldn't want to embarrass herself while doing her job, would she?"
---
You did tell me what you were feeling...
How was I so blind...? I could've saved her. I could've at least tried to understand her, even though I don't truly comprehend her lack of belief towards Her supernatural abilities. I could at least pretend...
She would've been alive today... We could've celebrated my job offer together...
But she's a criminal
SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP
I could've saved her. I didn't. It was my fault.
She's gone.
Life goes on.
---
"The SilverPump? The technology for that was developed by... Lysa Black... I'm... I'm sorry for what happened to her..."
"No,
"Oh, for crying out loud! Tristan, my old friend, how many times do I need to tell you? Her has never once developed anything! All of Her 'inventions' were just developed under Her name, giving Her full credit and allowing Her to reap one-hundred percent of the profits. Her is nothing without Her scientists."
"You're wrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwro"
"Hey, calm down, buddy. I know Lysa's passing is taking its toll on you, but there's nothing we can do to bring her back. I may not know her as well as you do, but remember that you are speaking with a fellow scientist of Silver Line. I know what's going on behind the scenes. You know it, too; you just chose to deny it. I can't blame you, though; your family's been harsh on you with those Silver Line philosophies and stuff..."
I feel the blood rushing upwards, gushing into my brain. I clench my fists so tight I think I feel blood. I bite my tongue on the same spot as last time, reopening the scar that has begun healing. I sink my teeth deeper, as I am overwhelmed by the metallic, yet strangely satisfying taste of my own blood. Unlike last time, I am not doing this to distract myself from physical pain.
But I think my heart hurts
badly
I feel warmth. There is no blood. At least, none on my hands and tongue. I d-don't know. I'm quite... lost. I'm very... l-lost
"There, there, my old friend. Let it all out... Scream and cry out all those pent-up emotions inside you... I'm sure life is hard over there, in the mysterious place we all call the heart..."
W-why
I don't
why am i sad
it's embarrassing
"I may not be able to fully understand your pain. I may not be able to fully grasp the chaos in your mind, in your heart. I may not be as close of a friend to you as Lysa was... But I'm here for you... alright? The world is harsh, I know..."
no get away from me
get away
GET AWAY
please...........................
i dont deserve this
i dont deserve you
im an embarrassment
arent you embarrassed too
to be pitying an ass like me
"Tristan Salvatore... Please remember... Always remember... No matter what happens, friends love each other and friends need each other. So please... I'm here for you, and I'm damn sure all my friends in the Science department are here for you too..."
"Oh poor, poor Lysa... Her absence ripples across the entire department; even other departments felt it too. She has only been working here for two weeks, yet she was the sweetest, the most down-to-earth, the most talented human being... She was always so happy, so uplifting... Yet, we all sensed that there was something she was hiding; it's like a large, heavy box of darkness, dark thoughts, fears, anxieties, neatly packed and labelled, yet threaten to break out of her at any time... We tried to help her. We really, really did... She felt so, so much like a happier person two days ago... We're sorry, Tristan; it is our fault..."
it is my fault
if not for me
all i needed to do
was to
just
make her feel that
she's loved
cause i really
really
really love her
i... i...
---
"You have achieved last week's sales target. You merely achieved it, not surpassed it. Four hundred SilverPumps should not be hard to sell. However, as this is only the first week of your job, I will forgive you. You will surpass this target by at least forty-percent next week. You will report to me only when you have done so, otherwise you will leave this corporation on your own will."
"I am truly sorry, Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver... I will improve next week."
"Good."
"You know, Tristan, I've been wondering. Has the death of the immoral, disloyal, treacherous criminal Lysa Black been of concern to you? For this time, and this time only, I permit you to speak the truth from your heart."
i feel nothing
"It has not been even the slightest bit of concern to me, Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver. I assure you of that."
i feel nothing
"You know, Tristan, you truly are my greatest employee. I heard she was going to be your girlfriend? Oh, it must have hurt you so badly when you read the news that day. Yet, you stayed as Sharp as Silver, as Still as Silver, as Strong as Silver, and that's why you will Shine like Silver. I would've humbly granted you a five-minute break from thinking about me at least once a minute, so that you could properly grieve for her. I am also willing to overlook any regulations that restrict you from grieving for the death of criminal scums like her, simply because I like you, Tristan Salvatore. You are the ideal employee. You are the ideal salesperson. You truly deserve to carry her legacy, in the form of the SilverPump."
i feel nothi
"She was smart, strong, and seemed like a fun person for her colleagues to hang around with. She, like everyone in this world, had her inner demons. She, like everyone who struggle with their inner demons, began to doubt my ability to drive away those demons by thinking of me at least once a minute."
"Then, she stopped thinking about me. I know that because she actually had the galls to confront me about me. I praise her for that. The world needs people like her."
"Of course, I had to reeducate her. I gave her an hour-long lecture. I thought she has recovered. I thought she has finally believed in me again."
"After she left, I was just about to head to the meeting room to conduct the job interview with you. Yet, I thought that something was amiss. So I walked past the meeting room and took the elevator up to the rooftop."
"She was standing there, alone."
i feel not
"Oh, Tristan, my darling, you should've seen her that time; her whole body was trembling like there's been an earthquake! She was standing at the edge, shaking, as if she was struggling on her decision. She needed help, Tristan! She needed my help!"
i fe
"I slowly approached her. She stopped trembling, not because she sensed me, but because she has made her decision. She stepped back from the edge. Another step back. One more. She turned around."
"She was a survivor, Tristan. At that edge, she has managed to combat and tame her inner demons, without my help! When she turned around, she was smiling. She was thinking of her future. She was thinking of her future with you! And then she saw me."
"So of course I ran into her and pushed her off the tower."
i
"Perhaps I wasn't that strong... She flew backwards; half of her feet were on the edge, and half were supported by nothing but air. She slipped. Her hands flailed forward. She fell off. But by some miracle of physics, her fingers managed to grip the edge, as her body and legs dangled in midair. It was such a pitiful sight, Tristan! Her fingers could have never lifted her entire body weight up. It was a hopeless situation, Tristan! I estimated that it would be less than a minute before her fingers gave in."
"Of course, Tristan, I wanted to end the criminal's suffering! She suffered enough. So I smashed my foot onto her fingers so hard they bled. I think I heard bones break. But it didn't matter, because she was flying, I tell you, flying!"
"I was so glad you were in the soundproof meeting room at that time. Everyone heard her screams. People inside the tower heard it! It was particularly torturous for me, however, as I wasn't shielded by windows, by doors and walls and whatnot. It actually temporarily deafened me."
"And you seemed to wonder why I didn't ask you any questions, eh?"
"However, that's all in the past now, you will take a good night's rest, a
"Good evening, Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver. Words simply cannot express my insurmountable gratitude in being given the opportunity to meet you."
---
I stand on the rooftop.
I stare at the horizon.
The sunset. The warm glow is slowly sinking.
Sinking, and it will be night.
It will be a sky filled with darkness.
I wonder, Lysa, how are you doing over there?
Yes, over there.
Where? I don't know. The Pitch? Heaven? Hell? I don't know.
But she's gone.
That's all that matters.
What is this world?
What is this...
This piece of shit world, piece of shit corporation, piece of shit
MAGLADENE SILVER
hopeless
she'll fire my parents for what i did in her office just now
thrashing her furniture
smashing her monitor with my bare fists
biting the carpet
punching her face
i take it back
she'll kill my parents
i hear sirens
from one hundred floors above ground
is that even possible
but i hear it
so i think
its possible
i think
that this is it
i think
i deserve all this
i think
about
lysa
my darling
my best friend
how happy we would've been
we will be the perfect
couple
we will
explore the world together
away from this
poison
they'll be here any minute
i think
about
lysa
i think about her
for one minute
two minutes
five minutes
what could have been of us?
i flip the switch
i press the plunger
and i swallow all of it
purifying
liberating
free from her
freed by her
lysa, wait for me
---
Five days later.
"I'm sorry if I seem rude or immoral, Her Too Lovingly Beautiful Lady Magladene Silver, but haven't you killed too many good employees already?"
"I never directly killed him. All I used were words. He brought his own death by himself, simply because he has forgotten to think of me at least once a minute. My words merely completed his suicide."
"Yes, precisely. Words can be strong too, you know?"
"You will shut your idiotic mouth! Are you stupid or are you just plain ignorant? Of course words are strong, you brainless fool! Isn't that the most obvious thing in the world? All the talk about how people's inner demons will cause them to commit suicide if they don't think of me at least once a minute? All are just words I told them. I know the power of words more than you do, more than anyone do. But mark my words, their deaths will not be in vain. I have plans. And I will see them through their ends."
