***
Wonderful life I’ve had when I was childish. My mind was
sophomoric enough to fall for a girl whose heart belonged to another. Such
stupidity, immaturity, conquered my will. Yet, I don’t give a damn or two, because
I wasn’t me. No, I was me, and now I’m not me. This constant denial of who I
am, or was, is drowning my soulful spirit.
My first impression of her was unforgettable in the most
remorseful sense. I was kidding. I don’t remember it, which made it sorrowful. She
was too kind. I’ve never met such a benevolent
soul other than my parents, or myself. No, I wasn’t benevolent before I met
her. I was evil; I didn’t care about friends. See? Everlasting conflicts
between two irrelevant issues. How unsatisfying.
She is a girl. I’m
just restating the obvious. I’ve never been close to females; she was the
first. I will always keep that in mind, which made her important to me. Note
the past tense. I’ve never loved her until she loved me; as a friend, as a
sibling, as that special one, whatever it was, I will never know. It’s killing
me that it had to end so quickly, yet so slowly. I wanted to stay away from
her, yet part of me still clung onto her forgotten side, or was it her
forgetful side? Did she forget how much I sacrificed for her? Again, I will
never know.
I’ve never experienced heartbreak, but in its most
fundamental definition, what is
heartbreak? Does the act of loving someone who doesn’t reciprocate counts as
heartbreak? No? Yes? But my emotional strength was null; I didn’t understand
emotions, or feelings, or love. What is love? Can we feel love? Is love tangible? She taught me love, but at the same
time she unknowingly led me to loathe
love. Can I love everyone? No. People sin, people lie, people deny and I am
part of it. Love too much and we’ll never survive this cruel world. Love too
little, and we’ll be trapped in our own depressing fantasy.
Shit.
I’ve had enough. Holding onto a loosely crafted rope that may
just break anytime isn’t worth it; I can never reach the top. So I let go. I
fell all the way into the abyss. The abyss is unconventional; I actually pummelled
onto the rock solid ground. I’ve been given a second chance.
But the rope is gone, not even a trace.
No, I’ve been given a second chance in living my own life;
that was when college started. Everything changed; I changed, not due to other
people, but because I’ve given up on my past self. I will no longer be a shy,
doleful kid. I’m no longer a kid.
I was panicking. I’ve screwed up my
first driving test. I’d never fallen that hard before in life. I’m sensitive to
three things: love, friendship and failure. I laughed it off, but it’ll be
exactly two days before the retest that I’ll be all too nervous. I didn’t sleep
well. I didn’t nap well. Sleep paralyses. I became moody; unable to control my
own emotions.
Oh look. There’s a girl. She seemed
overfamiliar. Who is she? I refused to believe my own eyes; they were always cheating
little bastards. But no, they were honest, and yet I still couldn’t accept what
I’ve just witnessed.
Her.
I didn’t know what to do.
We were like strangers. No, we were strangers. My mouth muted itself;
my gaze floating off at a direction that wasn’t towards her.
At that very moment, my mindset was
not about the retest but about her. My heart skipped a beat.
I don’t know if it’s some kind of
panic attack, or just me entering my dream-like state again, but my mind was
completely void of thoughts when my name was called. I opened the car door and
entered the vehicle naturally, and I knew
that something was wrong.
Another wrong sequence of events? Damn
this shit.
I would’ve flunked it worse if not
for her on my mind. But in the end, it was to no avail. I just wasn’t myself.
I’m never myself.
***
“Yes, we’ll be there for each
other, until we die, until we touch the skies.”
- End
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