Transitions I
My mind is weird, unnatural yet sometimes overly creative. Whenever a wrong combination of events occur--not necessarily positive or negative, my mind will automatically lapse into what I call a "transition" state; my mindset borders between the real world and my own extremely vivid subconscious.
My emotions become uncontrollable, as my mood fluctuates too rapidly between a dreamlike state of being "happy" and just sad. I don't know why; as I've said, my mind works in weird, mysterious ways. Sometimes I think too much, or place too much importance on trivial issues.
I still haven't found the cause for this as of today, or even the name of this extremely intriguing case. It may be bipolar disorder, but I'm unsure.
This started since year 2011. I just realized that most of my poems were composed during this state.
After CPU's drama festival (it was a Tuesday night, right before Labour Day), I stayed back in college while waiting for my parents. Her parents came and fetch her before mine did, so I loitered around the college compound. I repeat, it was nighttime.
Most of my transitions happen at nighttime.
When I noticed myself talking long, slow walks in the darkest areas of college, instead of sitting at one spot and playing games on my iPad (like I usually do), I know for sure that I'm not myself.
I decided to simply allow my subconscious to rule over me, it wasn't too bad; I went to the toilet to answer nature's call, strolled in and out of the learning hub, etc. It's just that I started to ponder about everything, issues that I normally wouldn't give two shits about. But I noted something--I really liked the dark.
This is a stark contrast to my usual self, who (I confess) is afraid of darkness. I wouldn't dare to enter the kitchen in the middle of the night without turning on the lights, or stick around in the living room more than five seconds after I've turned off the lights. I'm afraid of weird sounds; I get paranoid of them. All of them.
Yet during that night--oh such a perplexing night it was; I constantly hid myself in darkness--the darker the better. While walking on the pavement, my eyes were fixated on the shadows on ground, as if I've found comfort in them, as if I loved them. I felt safe in darkness, in areas of solitude.
I've came up with the name "Shadow Vegas" while brainstorming about my (unfinished) story "Reincarnation". It was right after I've experienced a transition in Japan. Somehow, the story didn't work out, and I've written this same character in a story about schizophrenia. I've never thought much about it.
But these days, I've been wondering about something; the various ways I've described Shadow Vegas in my stories... It made sense, as it applies to me during my transitions. I might be actually schizophrenic in some ways, or maybe not? I'm not too sure.
I know one thing, however; Shadow Vegas is not just a fictional character that I've created, it's a representation of my own dark side, a personification of my mind's most obscure thoughts.
No comments:
Post a Comment