My December

This is the final entry of 2014 (also, this is the only non-poetic entry, damn).

A year filled with ups and downs. A year shrouded with many mysteries, some stemming from the past.

People asked me. I ask myself. One question. Why engineering?

I don't know. It kinda ruined me. It's a hellish course, but it's not like I can't handle it. I mean, my results were pretty satisfactory so far.

It's just that sometimes, I feel that engineering falsely defines who I truly am.

I'm always an artistic person that is somehow damn smart in science-related subjects. Not bragging or anything, but I just can't really relate to science; more specifically, the science used in engineering (I'm a huge fan of quantum physics).

If anyone of you know me well enough, or bothered to at least try and read through some of my poems, you'll know that I'm a broken person; I deal with that through creating multiple personalities; they're my shelters.

It sounds crazy, but it certainly made me a lot more stable than the past few years. Though, engineering does really weird things to personalities.

Yet, engineering made this year seem... fast?

I felt as if yesterday was the first day of university life. Like, seriously, no exaggeration. Why? I don't know. Maybe suffering speeds up one's sense of time; not that it makes any sense. It doesn't help that we only have 12 weeks of classes and a shitload of holidays.

My college life in Taylor's Canadian Pre-University felt fucking quick, yet it seemed productive. I did lots of things, learned lots of things, found myself a girlfriend, met many great people; it changed my life. But this year? What did I do?

Yes, there were many dates with my girlfriend, many friend gatherings, many completed video games... Yet, it still felt empty.

It all comes down to me asking myself, why engineering?

Yes, people tell me that I'm smart, so I should take it, but is this what I really want to do?

There will be people shitting on me for this. I'm indeed a hypocrite.

Oh well.

That's the problem about writing on this blog. It's associated with darkness so much that I can't seem to write the "ups". Yes, there are many, many ups, but I just can't seem to type them out.

Guess a whole year of poetry kinda wrecked me, eh?

Though, I'm certainly less of a sociopath than three years before, which is a great thing. I'm starting to get more and more apathetic towards society's judgement of me. I started to be more brave, more bold, more willing to venture forward.

Three years ago, there was no effort. I didn't even try to change myself; all I did was writing about how society sucks.

Yes, society still sucks, but I just stopped caring.

I turned from a person who deemed himself the trashiest piece of shit, to a person who thinks extremely highly of himself.

I'm a prideful person. Sometimes I felt too prideful. It's dangerous.

Yet, still better than miserable me.

Maybe I put too much blame onto engineering. Maybe it's just me. No, it is about me. It's who I am that made me like this. There's too much complexity in a supposedly simple life.

Sometimes, I feel that I'm a criminal of my own life. And that's making me miserable. I don't want to be miserable, but I am. Every single time I write a poem, or a story, I was going through a miserable time.

What causes my misery?

Me.

And I will change this.

2015 will be a change. It's a resolution that I've never made before:

1.) Live a simple life.

There. Done. That's it. How am I gonna get there? I don't know, but I'll set up smaller goals. I aim to not be so complicated by the end of 2015.

Throwing the negativity aside, 2014 was a pretty memorable year. It's just that I have a habit of dwelling in the dark side while undermining the happier moments.

December is my month. Other than being the month of my birth, it is the month of reflections.

Reflections, eh? Let me ask myself, who am I?

I am me. Nobody will change that.

In the past, it was all about friendship; no. It wasn't just about that. No, it wasn't just about relationships either. It was everything. A sudden change in everything. I realized that three years ago; I understand them now.

There are mountains and roadblocks up ahead. There will be. We aren't human without them.

Every year is a change. Every day is a change. This is a change. This is a realization. This is the darkest storm, and this is also the brightest light. This is me.

And this is my December.