My December

Sometimes I wished I could change my past a little, implanting a paradigm shift in my parent's mind to make them less overprotective. They cared for me a little too much, which may be a good thing for some of you. Not for me.

I didn't recognize friends, not even as a meager piece of importance. Well, that time, parents were all I needed. I loved them way too much that I was the happiest person in the world just being with them. They cared for me too much.

Most people started actively befriending people at the age of 7, when they start their first year of primary education. And thus, they started to embrace the real world where parents doesn't mean everything.

I only started realizing the importance of friends at 16. And it's only when I start to take initiative to make new friends, forge new relationships. It's too late in my opinion, really. I missed out 9 years. Damn.

And the answer which some people give? "It's not that hard." Well for you, it's easy as you're different from me. I didn't even attempt to socialize till this year, most of the times my classmates took the initiative to befriend me, and not vice versa. I didn't know, and probably will take a long time to learn how to properly socialize.

There was a guy who I knew since the first year in primary school, and even without chatting much, I called him my "best friend". I did not how to differentiate between true friends and idiots like him.

He dragged me into a little issue, told me not to tell anyone about it and a few weeks later framed me for being the sole criminal of that issue, with himself getting away scot-free. From my guess, he did it just to amuse himself, but obviously, that caused a deep scar in me, while he got all the fame.

And the effects of not being able to differentiate has taken a toll on me. I still trusted him as a friend, and I still kept the idea of him being "the only friend I'll ever need".

How I wish I could punch myself until I bleed to death. Maybe that will make me feel better about how sophomoric I was last time. My childhood was like total bullshit pulled out from the smelliest junkyard in the universe.

And now, I just wish I would be able to socialize more, and not be the one who just lie there and wait for people to forge bonds with me. I wish that I could mean something to my friends, even if it is a little, at least I can know that people appreciate my existence.

I feel lonely, really. Sometimes I really feel like having a real sibling by my side, so that I wouldn't be overprotected by my parents, so that I would learn how to be independent.

So that I would be more friendly.

"And I'd give it all away, just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away, to have someone to come home to." - My December, Linkin Park