Restrained.

So it's the end of January. Cool.

After spending half a month in CPU, I'm proud to say that I don't regret it at all.

Yes, part of it is because I'm given an opportunity to live a new life, part of it is because I'm not facing too much stress here, but the most significant reason?

I'm being taught to be a better person.

All of the new people I've met has indirectly taught me at least something. Just a mere ten days in CPU changed me more than a year in high school.

I'm quite different from most people in a way that, well, I tend to mature a little later than others. Not really a little, in fact I believed that I lived through my lower secondary school life the same as I lived through my primary school life. It's only till Form Four that I've changed.

However, I could only change so much before I'm being restrained from maturing further.

Most of my high school friends knew me by my happy-go-lucky, childish, introverted self. No matter how much did I try to change their mindset, it'll fail miserably. To them, I'm still the old me. Well, I can't actually blame them, I've imposed this restriction onto myself. Well, it's hard to act differently in front of high school friends, so I went along with the flow.

The flow turned out to be a huge roller coaster ride. And it's only now that I know why did I tend to suffer from emotional breakdowns in high school.

Half of it was because of her.

Half of it was because I wanted to start my life over again, but was denied the ability to do so.

I tend to worry about what people think of me, whether or not wishing a simple "hi" to someone would make them hate me, and basically everything.

This experience in CPU indirectly taught me that sometimes, a smile will lead to a long way, and making new friends isn't all that hard, one just has to take initiative to mix in.

Just ten days, and I'm already loving it; I'm finally able to change myself in a new environment, where the people know me not by my old self, but by the present me, the new me, the friendlier and more outgoing me.

What is going on? Why did I change so much?

Maybe it's because of peer pressure in high school? Maybe it's because of my fear of being alone? Yet, sometimes I think it's only due to the former.

You see, every time I try to change myself, people will think I'm being weird and stuffs. Ironically, when I remain my usual self, people tend to berate me for my personality.

This will to change eventually got a little too strong.

And when I'm all by myself, I decided that I'm gonna change for good, and CPU provided me the perfect chance to do so.

One day, our English lecturer asked us to search for a quote that we find meaningful.

I only had one in mind, a song in fact. Robot Boy by Linkin Park.

“You say you're not gonna fight, cause no one would fight for you.

You think there’s not enough love and no one to give it to.
You’re sure you've hurt for so long, you've got nothing left to lose.
You think compassion's a flaw, and you'll never let it show.
You’re sure you’re hurt in a way that no one will ever know.
Just hold on, the weight of the world will give you the strength to go.”