04/02/2012

I don't know if I should be writing this piece of shit.

I loathe myself sometimes, no, many times, not just some. As useless as one could be, I really ponder my own existence at times like this, if I actually am important to anyone, or any animal for that matter.

I could only blame myself though, it's not like I tried to take much initiative, or that I'm a socially active person. I'm more like a person who wants to be needed but didn't know how to make people need me. Ah what am I saying.

I have two fatal flaws, which were so horrifying I wished they never existed. Lack of confidence, and excessive mood swings. My social life would've been heaps better without them.

I don't know why, but I am a really, really shy person. I fear too much on people's views on my everything; my clothes, my hair, my looks, my attitude, my style of walking, my eyes, my body structure, and even my mentality. There is a reason I tend to avoid taking initiative to know people, and I've just mentioned it. I'm more like an introvert than an antisocial person though, although both are like, almost the same. And I don't expect anyone to come and mix or socialize with someone like me, but most people are too kind, and they became my friends. Some are closer than others.

And then the second flaw comes in, I have a rather severe case of occasional mood swings. And they aren't predictable, and strikes me at the worst possible moment. Well, they're not really actual mood swings, they're more like situations where my tolerance level decreased to a really critical stage, a stage where things such as Google loading 1 second longer than usual, or people taking more than 10 seconds to reply me in chats could make me wanna explode. And it wasn't too serious until sometime last year. And mood swings cause me to act rash towards anyone, best friends or anyone whom I dislike. Sometimes I could control myself, but most of the times I just behave incoherently.

And at times I hurt people, friends, family members and other people who I cared. And trust me, I treat friends more importantly than anyone else. And really, the very fact of me accidentally hurting or angering them is more than enough to make me frown for a day, or two days, depending on how much hurt I caused.

Also, I tend to amplify minor issues into major ones, and eventually it'll induce another semi-depression kind of situation onto me. Yes, I emo more times than you think, and I may seem happy and stuffs on Facebook but I might actually be hiding my feelings. And it's not that I don't want to be honest, it's just that some people tend to be annoyed towards people who emos almost every time, and no I don't want that to happen.

Being someone without siblings to fill in my loneliness at home, I relied on friends to portray roles as my own siblings, ridding my of this desolation in my heart. This made me lonely, really.

Gah.

Mirror on the wall, here we are again,
Through my rise and fall,
You've been my only friend.
You told me that they can understand the man I am,
So why are we here talkin' to each other again? - Mirror, Lil Wayne ft. Bruno Mars